


Say Something

by A_Dawn



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bad Ending, Betrayal, Chanbaek are the only healthy couple in this, Dark, Forgiveness, How Do I Tag, I feel so bad for Luhan and Jongin in this, I'm too new to this site, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kyungsoo too of course but I really fucked those two over, M/M, Muteness, Mutual Pining, Pining, Secrets, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Song Lyrics, Songfic, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Tragedy, Trauma, Unhealthy Relationships, although it's never described, but like, with original songs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 00:51:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14605599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Dawn/pseuds/A_Dawn
Summary: Kyungsoo is rendered mute after a traumatic experience and refuses to let anyone know what happened - only the few involved know, and Jongin hates that he is one of them. Sehun hates the world, Luhan hates himself, and Baekhyun and Chanyeol hate feeling this helpless. Kyungsoo watches in silence as he loses everything he loves.(Trigger warning: rape; suicide; self-harm; mental and physical abuse/assault; implied domestic violence.)





	1. Hold Your Tongue

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old piece of mine that's been up on aff for a while now (I'm A_Dawn there too, although I used to be PoisonedApples6 if any of you out there remember those days!) which I'm redrafting and posting here. I won't be reposting all my old stories by any means, but this monster is one of my best pieces so I thought it deserved a place.
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some quick notes to bear in mind whilst reading:  
> \- I'm from the UK, so all school systems here are based on my very UK-limited knowledge.  
> \- The timeline of this story isn't chronological, so pay attention to the dates at the start of each chapter!
> 
> Also, a quick warning before you get into it: this story is heavy. I'm here to chat in the comments about any issues raised if you want to! As this is a very raw story, I've selected the appropriate archive warnings but I shall also be posting any trigger warnings for each individual chapter in these author notes. Please PLEASE read them first.
> 
> Thank y'all!
> 
>  
> 
> Click below for trigger warnings.

 

* * *

**December 3 rd 2015**

* * *

 

Kyungsoo sat a few metres across the room, although it felt much further to Jongin. He seemed so innocent; his wide eyes illuminated by his mobile screen and barely visible behind his thick fringe of bright red hair. Jongin could see the school librarian eyeing him ominously - it was lunch so technically he wasn’t breaking the rules but he knew she would confiscate it if it was out a second past the bell.

He would probably get a detention as well, now that Jongin thought about it, because he had already gotten in trouble for dying his hair and not wearing his uniform. He was unsure if this would be a good thing because on one hand he didn’t want him to get into trouble, but on the other hand it would force them to spend more time together: he had detention for the rest of the month because he yelled at Mr Choi. He didn’t regret it though. After all, Mr Choi had been yelling at Kyungsoo, and he’d looked as if he was about to cry. Jongin hadn’t seen him cry in six months. Not since...

He was suddenly aware of a presence next to him.

“Hey,” he breathed, and even without looking up he knew Kyungsoo was smiling at him. He also knew that the smile would be cold. No matter how much they played at friends, he knew he’d never receive any warmth from him. Not now. Even if he managed to gather up enough courage to apologise. Even if he broke through to his silent song.

 

*

 

“Hey Kyungsoo!” Kyungsoo turned, and smiled slightly as he saw Jongin. “You okay?” he asked casually.

Kyungsoo nodded and fell into step beside him as they continued the journey to school.

“I have maths first,” Jongin groaned, “and it’s a double period. What do you have?”

Kyungsoo pulled out his timetable and pointed to first period on Wednesday.

“Art? I'm jealous,” Jongin exclaimed, making Kyungsoo smirk. “Oh well,” he continued, “at least I’ve got drama third. Let me see that!” He grabbed Kyungsoo’s timetable before he could stop him. “Don’t worry - I’ll give it back.”

They walked a while in silence as Jongin studied his timetable, before he let out a long, low whistle.

“One hell of a day you’ve got there; Art, English, Maths, then counselling, counselling, counselling!  _Fun._ ”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes at his sarcasm, even though they both knew he was right; it was going to be a very stressful day.

 

*

 

“Oh my God, that's  _so_  good,” Baekhyun chimed as he popped up behind Kyungsoo, who blushed at the compliment before shaking his head in disagreement.

“Seriously Kyungsoo! It’s  _really_  good, and I won’t let you put yourself down this time. You’re easily the best artist in the class! Maybe even in the whole school,” Baekhyun practically vibrated with the fervour of his words, before Kyungsoo shot him a look.

"What's that?" Baekhyun gasped dramatically, mocking fear, "shut up or I won’t live to see tomorrow?!”

Kyungsoo smiled despite himself and continued painting. Baekhyun watched him for a while, before flopping down on a nearby chair.

“It’s not fair,” he whined, “how come you’re so good at everything?”

Kyungsoo shook his head again. He wasn’t good at everything; far from it. There were so many things he couldn’t do. Some of which he used to be able to and now missed greatly; like debating, acting, singing... Music was his passion. He still played guitar and piano, and he still wrote his own songs, but it wasn’t the same.

 

*

 

Kyungsoo’s day droned on as he sat for a whole hour in English listening to Mr Kim go on and on, whilst he was continually distracted by the dirty looks his classmate Luhan kept giving him. Then break came and went far too quickly - seeing as he spent it queuing for the toilet - before he trudged wearily to maths and Miss Park’s nasally whine. So when his first counselling session of the week began, he was almost thankful.

“Hello Kyungsoo,” his therapist, Zhang Yixing, greeted him. “How are you feeling today?” Kyungsoo held out his hand flat, and rocked it from side to side.

“Only okay? Has anything happened this week that you want to tell me about?” he asked kindly, signalling to the whiteboard and pen that always sat on the desk, waiting for Kyungsoo to spill his secrets. He shook his head. He hadn’t told anyone anything in the six months since it had happened, and he wasn’t about to now. 

“Well, okay then. How about we start from where we last left off?”

Kyungsoo almost laughed. Where they last left off was where they always left off; right at the very beginning. He pulled his knees up on his seat and rested his chin on them.

“You ready to start?” Yixing asked. He nodded, before getting that look on his face that barely anyone knew; the one that meant his conscious mind was no longer in this world.

 

*

 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol were late again. When they’d started going out Kyungsoo had actually been okay with it. Of course it had been a bit odd - Chanyeol  _was_  his brother after all - but they were happy, so Kyungsoo was too. However, the more often they were late for band practice, the more it began to annoy him.

Jongin had walked him home as usual so he was already there, tuning his bass as Kyungsoo finished his acoustic guitar and moved onto his electric. The whole scene had a sense of déjà vu around it. It reminded Kyungsoo of when it had just been him and Jongin in the band, if you could even have called it that back then. They didn’t even have a name until Chanyeol decided he wanted in. ‘Knights in Shining Armour!’ - even the memory of Chanyeol’s face when he’d said it made him want to double over laughing. He’d meant it as a joke, but by the time Baekhyun joined it had stuck.

“Kyungsoo?” Jongin’s voice drifted into his head, dragging him out of the fond recollection. How times had changed since then. It had been less than a year ago.

Kyungsoo looked up at Jongin, who had finally finished tuning.

“They’re half an hour late. We should start.”

Kyungsoo nodded slowly. Jongin seemed as if he wanted to say something else, but the silence only stretched out further. Eventually he plugged in his amp and they got going. They started with ‘Hold Your Tongue’, and Kyungsoo sang the lyrics in his head.

_When spoken silence_

_Echoes in empty rooms,_

_Do the words still hold any meaning?_

_Or when twisted dreams_

_Leave you awake each night,_

_How long do they torment you?_

****

_Be quiet child;_

_It won’t stop you hurting._

_Be quiet child;_

_It won’t keep you safe._

_Be quiet child;_

_They won’t hear your crying,_

_(Be quiet child.)_

_But they’ll make you scream._

****

_When nightmares make_

_You choke and wail_

_On the stale air that surrounds you,_

_You scream at yourself_

_To be silent:_

_You don’t want them to see you like this._

_As eyes stare blankly_

_At your trembling form,_

_You know you’ll hold your tongue_

_Because you don’t want their pity._

****

_Be quiet child;_

_It won’t stop you hurting._

_Be quiet child;_

_It won’t keep you safe._

_Be quiet child;_

_They won’t hear your crying,_

_(Be quiet child.)_

_But they’ll make you scream._

_Be quiet child;_

_It won’t stop you hurting._

_Be quiet child;_

_It won’t keep you safe._

_Be quiet child;_

_They won’t hear your crying,_

_(Be quiet child.)_

_But they’ll make you scream._

_But when you’re locked_

_Away in the dark_

_Why can you still see them?_

_When you’re locked_

_Away in the quiet,_

_Why can’t they hear you screaming?_

_But when you’re locked_

_Away in the dark_

_Why can you still see them?_

_When you’re locked_

_Away in the quiet,_

_Why have you stopped breathing?_

It was one of their most recent pieces, and Kyungsoo would forever remember the faces of his fellow band members when he presented them with it, especially Jongin’s. None of them had wanted to perform it because they could guess at the story behind it, but they also couldn’t deny that it was a good song. So, they played it anyway.

The song ended and Kyungsoo glanced back at Jongin. Since Baekhyun wasn’t there he’d taken up the vocals, and now he appeared fairly shaken. He caught Kyungsoo’s eyes in his troubled gaze and opened his mouth. Baekhyun and Chanyeol appeared.

“Oh God, I’m  _so_  sorry we’re late! We were just-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Jongin interrupted coldly, “just get set up.”

Baekhyun looked rather startled, and Chanyeol raised his eyebrows slightly.

“Are you alright Jongin?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s just... nothing. Just get set up.”

Chanyeol exchanged a look with Kyungsoo but didn’t ask again, knowing that if Jongin didn’t want to talk it was better not to pry.

Baekhyun didn’t catch on so quickly, “Jongin, is there anything you-” Kyungsoo shot him a look, and Baekhyun's question tapered off.

“We’ll get set up,” Chanyeol said quietly, taking Baekhyun by the hand and leading him to the back of the garage to assemble the drum kit and keyboard.

Kyungsoo gazed questioningly at Jongin, but he wouldn’t look him in the eye anymore. He smiled in spite of himself. He wasn’t proud that he found satisfaction in Jongin’s guilt.

 

*

 

Jongin was alone in the garage. Chanyeol had left to walk Baekhyun home. Before he went he’d invited Jongin to stay the night, and said he’d pick up his stuff for him on the way back. Kyungsoo had disappeared into the house to order pizza and find them something to watch that night. Having nothing better to do, Jongin decided on trying to finish the song he’d started writing months ago, and just couldn’t get right. He had the music, but he couldn’t muster up any good lyrics. Normally, he would have just asked Kyungsoo to help him - he was amazing with words - but  _this_  song needed to be all him, and he wouldn’t let Kyungsoo hear it before it was complete. Besides, he was so close to finishing he could taste it, and that spurred him on.

He picked up one of the many guitars strewn throughout the garage, and began.

 

*

 

Kyungsoo walked back into the garage, carrying a number of action and horror films, and was confronted with a suspicious looking scene: Jongin and manuscript paper. He dumped the films on the floor and raised his eyebrow accusingly. Jongin blushed which made him want to laugh, but he remained serious.

“Hey,” Jongin sighed. Kyungsoo smiled slightly at him, even though he didn’t look up to see it.

“I’ve... written a song for you,” he muttered.

Kyungsoo hid his surprise and sat down next to him. He waited patiently as he slowly lifted his head to look him in the eyes. He smiled again, and Jongin smiled back. Then they sat like that; frozen, and forcing themselves to smile at each other, even though they both wanted to scream.

Eventually, Jongin cracked and looked away, jaw clenched. Kyungsoo smirked; he always won these small battles, but since these little victories were the only things that kept him going these days he clutched at it feverishly in his mind.

On the surface, however, the smile remained.

Jongin grabbed at a guitar, and stood with as much dignity as he could hold onto. He began to play and, slowly, Kyungsoo’s smile disappeared.

 

*

 

When Chanyeol got home he found the garage deserted. He ventured inside to find Jongin sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands.

“He’s in his room,” he mumbled before Chanyeol could ask.

“Okay, thanks...” Chanyeol replied carefully, before climbing the stairs two at a time and sprinting the remaining corridor to Kyungsoo’s room. He knocked and opened the door. Kyungsoo was lying on his bed, curled up into himself under the covers, but when Chanyeol tried to talk to him he was pushed away.

He ran back downstairs to look for Jongin and ask him what had happened, but when he got there he was gone. He went out to the garage and saw him cycling away.

“Jongin!” he yelled, but either he didn’t hear him, or didn’t want to.

Chanyeol was genuinely confused and was about to get his bike to chase after Jongin when he saw the torn sheet music on the ground. He picked up the pieces and began to put them together.

As he assembled the music he began to make sense of what had happened. He reached the chorus and froze. Suddenly, everything about the last six months started to piece together. He went into a frenzy trying to solve the puzzle once and for all.

 

*

 

“Is it true?” Chanyeol’s voice was soft; calm, but you only had to peel back the first layer to see the rapids beneath it.

“Is what true?” Jongin asked cagily. Chanyeol reached into his bag, carefully pulling out the set of taped-up lyrics. Jongin looked from the music to Chanyeol, then back to music again. He held out his hand for it, but Chanyeol retracted his arm.

“Answer me,” he growled.

“If I answer you, will you give it to me?”

“Yes.”

“You swear?”

“I swear,” Chanyeol promised through gritted teeth. Jongin nodded once, before looking up at his friend and smiling sadly, knowing that he was about to lose him, just as he had lost Kyungsoo.

“Yes, it’s true.”

 

*

 

Kyungsoo sat on his bed. He hadn’t moved from it for hours. His face was wet from tears that he hadn’t bothered to wipe away, because he couldn’t see the point in it. It wouldn’t change anything. Nothing would. He was annoyed at himself for crying in the first place - he had sworn he’d never cry again - but now the tears kept flowing, because he couldn’t stop the stream of memories from playing over and over in his head; just like Jongin’s song.

_I want to be your hero_

_But I am just a fool_

_Too afraid to_

_Even talk to you._

_I want to be your saviour_

_But I have let you down,_

_And so you will_

_Never sing for me._

_For when you needed me_

_I ran._

_I thought you’d run too._

_But when you called for me_

_To help_

_I kept running._

_They hurt you and stole_

_Your voice,_

_So don’t you dare forgive me._

_They took your innocence_

_But I_

_Took your trust._

****

_I should have helped when_

_They made you scream,_

_But they were monsters_

_And I was scared._

_I should have done it_

_Anyway,_

_Because your pain_

_It kills me so._

****

_For when you needed me_

_I ran._

_I thought you’d run too._

_But when you called for me_

_To help_

_I kept running._

_They hurt you and stole_

_Your voice,_

_So don’t you dare forgive me._

_They took your innocence_

_But I_

_Took your trust._

****

_Those boys were beyond evil_

_But I was no better,_

_And I hope you can see_

_How sorry I am._

_But don’t you dare forgive me -_

_I know I don’t deserve it._

_It’s just I’m tired of us_

_Playing at friends._

_For when you needed me_

_I ran._

_I thought you’d run too._

_But when you called for me_

_To help_

_I kept running._

_They hurt you and stole_

_Your voice,_

_So don’t you dare forgive me._

_They took your innocence_

_But I_

_Took your trust._

****

_Don’t cry, just hush._

_Even if it means_

_That I’ll never hear_

_You sing again._

 

He was sorry.

Kyungsoo had already known that. He’d known it from the first guilt-ridden moment they’d spent together after Jongin had let him down. He’d made sure then that Jongin would never tell anyone. Kyungsoo never would. He closed his eyes and thought of them; memories before, and then after.

Slowly, he began to realise something. He felt anger well up in him, familiar, like an old friend, but for once it wasn’t for him, or Sehun and his friends, or any of his teachers, or anyone. It was for himself. He was angry at himself for putting everyone through so much pain; for causing them to worry. For causing them to feel so guilty that it was slowly killing them.

Slowly, he realised he had forgiven Jongin.

 

*

 

“Let go! Chanyeol! Let him go!”

Chanyeol barely heard Baekhyun as he screamed, or felt the hands that tried to pull him away. At that moment nothing mattered to him but the boy in front of him, and how he was going to break his sneering face.

It had taken so little to make Jongin spill everything he knew, and Chanyeol had struggled not to explode and attack him instead. But he hadn’t, because despite everything Jongin didn’t really deserve it. Chanyeol saved his rage for the real monster.

 

*

 

It had all become too much for Jongin. The guilt. The guilt was eating him, picking away at his flesh as his bones shook to hold him steady.

Baekhyun had just phoned to say that Chanyeol was under arrest for the assault of Oh Sehun. He said he might even be charged with attempted murder. Either way he would be going to jail, and Jongin knew it was his fault. Just like everything else. He could have prevented it all, but he didn't. He should have, but didn't. 

Jongin stared at the cluster of pills in his hand. He’d always been a coward - he knew that - and today was no different. It didn’t stop him from hating it though. He was sick of taking the coward’s way out, and he felt even guiltier for doing it. He would hurt so many people; his family, his friends... His hand trembled as he raised it to his mouth.

He’d convinced himself that Kyungsoo wouldn’t care, though. Maybe he’d even be glad. He ordered himself to believe that as he placed the pills in his mouth and shakily lifted the glass to his lips; otherwise he’d never be able to swallow. He felt the tears well in his eyes. He didn’t want to cry, but it obviously wasn’t his choice as they slipped silently to the floor. He was suddenly furious. He hated himself for being such a coward. He wanted to be brave. He needed to be brave.

He closed his eyes to see him and Kyungsoo writing their first song together. He smiled sadly, before something he really wished he hadn’t thought of appeared. He tried to hold onto the happy memory, but it was plagued with this new scene as it bled in over the guitars and smiling faces. Then they were gone, and he was faced with the image of Kyungsoo’s grieving form shedding tears over his broken self.

 

_‘Don’t cry, just hush._

_Even if it means_

_I’ll never hear_

_You sing again.’_

He swallowed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - implied assault, rape, and suicide attempt.
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


	2. Left For Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click below for trigger warnings.

 

* * *

**May 26 th 2015**

* * *

 

  

 

“So you and Sehun, huh?” Kyungsoo couldn’t keep the amusement from seeping onto his face as he watched his friend freeze up at the question. A slow smirk spread across his lips when Luhan turned to peer at him over his shoulder.

“E-Em, yeah... Is that okay? I mean, I know you two have just broken up but Sehun-ah said it was a long time coming and that since you’re the one who left him you shouldn’t be annoyed or anything, plus you’ve never really been one for social conv-” He was rambling; something he a had a tendency to do whenever he was nervous. Kyungsoo decided to cut him off before he embarrassed himself.

“It’s fine Luhan,” he chuckled. “I honestly just wanted to see if the rumours were true. I’m happy for you.”

A look of relief washed over Luhan’s features and Kyungsoo returned it with a grin.

“So who asked who?” he continued.

“Em, I asked him...” was the quiet admittance he received.

“Good! I’m glad - I mean, I know how long you’ve liked him. I’m proud of you.”

“You do?! I-I mean... you are?”

Kyungsoo laughed again; “I’m often proud of you Luhan, believe it or not. And yes, it was fairly obvious. I’m just sorry I didn’t notice before we started going out - you and him fit together far better than he and I ever did.”

At this he finally gained a real smile from his nervous friend, and the conversation eased into familiar pleasantries and gossip after that. He was thankful for the topic change, really, because truthfully he wasn’t fine with the idea of Luhan and his ex together; although not for the reasons everyone expected him to be. He and Sehun hadn’t finished on good terms, and despite Sehun parading about claiming it was a mutual decision it most definitely hadn’t been. As Luhan had said; Kyungsoo had ended it - the fact that Sehun had felt comfortable enough to tell Luhan this only quelled Kyungsoo’s concern slightly, because the backlash had been spectacular. Their break causing their group of friends to split down the middle. Luhan was the exception, much to Kyungsoo’s surprise, staying friends with them both. He didn’t expect to last long if the boy was now dating Sehun, and he begrudgingly admitted that was one of the reasons for his discomfort at the news.

The other reason was Sehun himself. Kyungsoo was fairly certain that when it came down to it Sehun was a good enough guy, but during their time together he’d proven on more than one occasion he could also be a bit of a dick. Nothing spectacular; nothing he couldn’t handle - but that was exactly it:  **he**  could handle it. Everyone was of the opinion that Luhan was not as strong as most, let alone Kyungsoo. He doubted he was the only one thinking Sehun would be the one domineering this new relationship. The thought caused anxiety to flare within him.

Luhan asked his opinion on something and he nodded, but he was only listening to Luhan’s voice and not his words; worrying about his friend’s ability to handle Sehun’s less pleasant moods instead of paying attention to the conversation at hand. Sehun had a temper - always had (although arguably there was usually a just cause for it). People often told Kyungsoo that he was the best person to soothe the boy’s anger, but truthfully he had been as good at winding Sehun up as he had calming him down. Their relationship had always been a bit shaky at the best of times, and Kyungsoo would admit that a large part of the problem had been his incessant need to egg Sehun on - to try to get a reaction out of him; Sehun was a master of the stoic expression, and Kyungsoo had taken a sort of sick pride in being able to break it. Still, despite this he’d always been able to deal with Sehun’s sudden bursts of aggression - another problem of theirs being that Sehun had relied almost entirely on Kyungsoo to talk him down from these moments. They had worked, in a weirdly self-destructive way.

Yet what he’d said about Luhan fitting better with Sehun than he ever had was most definitely true, and as he let his mind wander he realised that Luhan probably didn’t get the same satisfaction out of frustrating people as he did. (Not that he was ever cruel about it; he just had a rather scathing sense of humour.) Hopefully this meant he’d be unlikely to aggravate Sehun as he had. So even if he wasn’t quite as good at calming the younger down, Sehun would probably get angry less often with him - surely that was healthier? Besides, Luhan could learn how to placate his new boyfriend: he’d have to.

Kyungsoo was pulled from his inner thoughts by the sound of a voice that wasn’t Luhan’s calling his name. He twirled to face his band-mate and best friend with a grin plastered to his face.

“Hey Jongin.”

Jongin grinned back at him, the action making the corners of his eyes crinkle. He then turned to greet Luhan, who glanced up from under his lashes to offer a small smile in return.

“So I heard about you and Sehun - when did that happen?” he asked casually, slugging his arms around both of their shoulders.

“Em, Monday...” Luhan answered, a bit awkward.

“Cute. Make sure he treats you nice, kay?”

Kyungsoo allowed himself a small smile at that; Jongin seemingly knowing what was going on in his mind and addressing it in a single phrase. Kyungoo’s smile remained as Jongin chattered on for a while before finally reaching his point.

“Yes, band practice is still on!” Kyungsoo exclaimed, trying not to laugh at the kicked puppy expression Jongin was giving him.

“But it’s the last day of school!” came Jongin’s instant argument.

“But it’s a Friday!” Kyungsoo countered.

“Exactly! Party man!”

“Friday is practice day.”

“But party!”

“No, Jongin.”

“But-”

“We can party after we practice!”

“So you’ll come too?”

Kyungsoo groaned, suddenly realising Jongin’s true intent - “That’s what you wanted to get me to agree to from the beginning, isn’t it?” Jongin’s smirk told him far more than any verbal answer would have. “Fine - but don’t expect me to stay until the wee hours of the morning like you do.”

After a ‘whoop’ and a fist-pump, Jongin was heading towards his next class - calling over his shoulder that’d he’d see him at practice. Kyungsoo chuckled and shook his head, turning to apologise to Luhan for the interruption. However, the look on Luhan’s face made the words fall short.

“What?” he asked instead.

“Nothing,” Luhan sounded amused.

“No, seriously, what?”

“...You really don’t notice it, do you?”

“Notice what?”

“You know Kyungsoo, for someone who so easily picked up on my feelings, you’re pretty clueless when someone’s attraction is directed towards you.”

“What do you mean?” Kyungsoo frowned, then realised what Luhan was suggesting a moment later. “No, Jongin and I... we’re only friends.”

“I wasn’t suggesting you weren’t - just that a certain someone may want to drop the ‘only’ at some point in the near future.”

Kyungsoo wasn’t convinced; “and I’m suggesting that you’re seriously misreading any signs that may happen to be there.”

“Maybe,” Luhan shrugged, clearly not prepared to pursue the point much further (he wasn’t one for confrontation). “But I’m not sure how much you can misread someone staring at someone else’s ass every time they walk away.”

Kyungsoo could only gawk as Luhan left for class; a knowing smile dancing through his eyes as he said his goodbyes to his suddenly speechless friend. He was so stunned, both at the information and Luhan’s sudden brashness, that he barely caught what the boy called back to him:

“And besides, he chose you.”

*

“Goddamnit, where is your brother?”

“He’s always running late - you know this.”

Kyungsoo continued tuning his guitar - ignoring Jongin when he huffed out a ‘I bet he doesn’t show up’ - and enjoyed the silence which engulfed them. He never seemed to be able to get any quiet these days; not since he’d started dating Sehun and had been introduced to all of his friends, anyway. All of his friends (minus a certain Byun Baekhyun) were fairly calm people, like himself. He suddenly realised that their friends had, whilst merging together as easily as they had, truly highlighted the difference between Sehun and himself - Kyungsoo being friends with Luhan and equally shy Minseok, and even the loud Baekhyun was more level-headed than he liked to let on; whereas Sehun was friends with the forever out-going exchange student Zitao, the more than slightly imposing Yifan, and... Jongin. With this train of thought Kyungsoo found himself drawn to a question he’d been asking himself for a while now and, reasoning that it couldn’t go  _too_  wrong, decided to ask it aloud:

“Why did you choose me?”

“What?” Jongin looked genuinely confused at that; having stopped pissing about with his amp to look over at Kyungsoo in question.

“When Sehun and I broke up - I expected you to side with him.” Kyungsoo explained. Jongin just shrugged in response and went back to his amp, causing Kyungsoo to frown. He wanted a definite answer, he decided, so pushed the issue further: “You were his best friend.”

“Key word: ‘were’.”

“Did you fall out?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“I was just closer to you by the end of it.” Jongin said in a way that sounded final, but Kyungsoo wasn’t quite sure what to make of it and it clearly showed on his face because Kai sighed before continuing. “You’re a better friend to me than me was, Soo. I mean, he’s fun but I can’t trust him with shit.” Kyungsoo considered this for a while, knowing for experience that although Sehun wasn’t exactly what you’d call a gossip, he also had a slightly skewed sense of boundaries. In other words, he had a big mouth. Common knowledge, really. Some people had even commented to Kyungsoo - ‘teasing’ - that the only reason the whole school hadn’t heard about their sex life was because they didn’t have one. Kyungsoo liked to believe that Sehun wasn’t actually that bad.

“Besides,” Jongin added, drawing Kyungsoo’s attention back to him. “There was no way in hell I was leaving Knights in Shining Armour.”

“We are not calling the band that!” Kyungsoo groaned, realising belatedly that Jongin was attempting to change the subject yet allowing it anyway.

“But Chanyeol looked so excited when he suggested it!” Kai sing-songed, running away and laughing when Kyungsoo lunged at him.

“What about me?” his brother asked, head poking around the door before the rest of him followed; just in time for Jongin to run smack bang into his chest. Before he knew it Kyungsoo was on him, effectively trapping Chanyeol in the doorway, and the whole thing devolved into tickling fingers and cheap shots in what must have been record time. By the time they finished the only had an hour left to practice.

“Okay, come on, come on!” Kyungsoo snapped, even though a large part of the delay could be contributed to him. “Let’s get this show on the road!” The sound of Chanyeol on the drums and Jongin’s pulsing bass line moved Kyungsoo to the mic; guitar in hand and wielded like a weapon of true mass destruction. He began.

_Walking down an old country road,_

_Wishing for a sign to show me_

_That there’s still some hope left up ahead._

_But as the silence swells around me,_

_Forcing footsteps slowly onward,_

_It would seem that I’ve been left for dead._

_If I scream would they hear me?_

_Would they appear to save me?_

_Or will I be left alone again._

_So I try to voice my cries_

_But they stream in silence from my eyes,_

_And if they close I know they won’t open._

_As battles forge, I aim to comply_

_Aim to build, and shoot to survive._

_When did they turn so very bloodthirsty?_

_Yet I know they’re not safe themselves;_

_Controlled by their paranoia,_

_It’s likely they have been shown no mercy._

_They’re lifeless as they fight us;_

_Mimicking words - they wouldn’t say this._

_But I suppose even I once pulled their strings._

_So is that why if they survive_

_They have sworn to live by lies?_

_Rather than see what the truth could bring._

_I better get up. Get Gone._

_Get out. Right now._

_You better get up. Oh please get gone._

_Get out. Get out right now._

_In this new world of stone horizons_

_Hope is what we claim to live for,_

_But hope is a human invention._

_So I’ll build a shelter not big enough for them_

_But leave whenever they need use of it,_

_And hope they’ll parrot my hidden intentions._

_Walking down an old country road,_

_Wishing for a sign to show me_

_That there’s still some hope left up ahead._

_But as the silence swells around me,_

_Forcing footsteps slowly onward,_

_It would seem that I’ve been left for dead._

_It would seem that I’ve been left for dead._

_I have been left alone again._

*

Kyungsoo didn’t really hate parties, as many would assume - they were a good place to socialise and see people you normally wouldn’t outside of school - he just would have preferred to be at home playing mindless little tunes on his acoustic, rather than have Jongin force him to get dressed up and drag him to a neighbourhood he didn’t know, just to be ditched as soon as he got there. He also didn’t appreciate having drink spilled down one of his nicer shirts when looking for him. He was in the middle of planning a way to get back at his band-mate when he ran into Luhan on the way to clean himself up.

“Oh, hey - I didn’t expect to see you here.” (If finding Kyungsoo at a party was rare, then finding Luhan at one was like seeing a unicorn.) “Is Minseok with you?”

“Em, no - Sehun wanted me to come, so...”

“Ah,” Kyungsoo got it then. “Well, don’t let me keep you.” He hurried away to the bathroom after that; decidedly avoiding his ex for as long as he could. Luhan was about to go look for said ex when he quite physically bumped into him.

“O-Oh, sorry Sehun,” he mumbled, blushing in embarrassment. Sehun flashed him an easy grin in return.

“No worries - I was just coming to look for you,” he explained, earning a shy smile from Luhan.

“I was looking for you too.”

“Well, we found each other!”

Sehun led Luhan through the main throng of the party after that, stopping to introduce him to a few people he hadn’t met before (he honestly didn’t get out much), before leading him to a more isolated corner; far away from the larger sources of noise and people.

“There - I can finally hear myself think!”

Luhan’s lips had barely quirked into a smile at the remark before they were being crushed. He whined into the bruising kiss, arms wrapping around the taller’s shoulders in an attempt to steady himself. Sehun pulled away after a few minutes, leaving a bite at Luhan’s bottom lip on the way back. Luhan suppressed a wince.

“W-What was that for?”

“I can’t kiss my boyfriend whenever I want to?”

“No! That’s- That’s not what I meant-”

“You’re adorable.”

Luhan blushed at that, hiding his face in Sehun’s neck as he allowed himself to be pulled onto his lap. He gasped when he became aware of a mouth against his skin.

“So freaking cute.”

Luhan felt the bite at the same time hands cupped his ass, causing him to yelp and jerk back slightly; the movement tugging against the teeth in his throat.

“Sehun.” He was aware of how much like a whimper it sounded.

“What?” Neither Sehun’s mouth or hands moved from their chosen places.

“We’re at a party...”

“I’m aware of that.” He’d moved to face Luhan now; locking eyes with him.

“There’s... There are people!”

“So?”

“They’re looking at us!”

“Well of course they are - have you see yourself?”

Luhan blushed again, but he still managed to get the words out; “I don’t want to do this Sehun.” He was dumped onto the ground almost instantly, hissing as his hip made contact with the wooden floor.

“S-Sehun?” his voice wavered as he peered up at the younger.

“Fine.” Sehun wasn’t looking at him. Sehun was walking away. Luhan panicked and reached out to grab at him. His hand caught onto Sehun’s trouser leg, and the boy stopped. After a few moments he turned around to face Luhan; still on the floor. His eyes wandered over him briefly before softening.

“I’m sorry, that was mean.” Sehun crouched down next to Luhan, brushing his fingers down the side of his face in a gentle caress. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s fine, really,” Luhan assured, glad he hadn’t annoyed Sehun like he thought he had - he’d heard stories of the younger’s temper.

“I just wanted to show off that you’re mine.” Sehun’s words brought a smile to Luhan’s face, and he instantly wanted to explain why he’d let his new boyfriend down.

“S-Sorry, I don’t like... I don’t really like being the centre of attention.”

“Okay. I can’t see why, though.” Sehun was too kind, really, and Luhan beamed up at him. “So it was just the fact that we’re in public that put you off?”

“Huh?”

Luhan felt hands smother over his skin again and a hot whisper in his ear - “I can do this in private?” His pulse raced as he felt fingers curve around his thighs, inching inwards as the voices around him reminded him that they were very much not in private.

“Sehun,” he pleaded. The hands moved back onto safer territory instantly.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“Come home with me.”

“W-What?” Luhan couldn’t help but smile back at the awkward expression Sehun sent him then, despite the rather abrupt request.

“No one’s in.”

“Sehun-”

“You said we could do this in private, didn’t you?”

“Well, no-”

“See, that’s what makes you so much better than Kyungsoo - we were together for nearly a year, and that prude wouldn’t even let me touch him. But you’re better than that - so much better, aren’t you?”

Luhan blinked up at Sehun, flustered but nodding vigorously when he realised Sehun was waiting for an answer.

“You’re amazing. So, back to mine?”

“O-Okay.”

“Unless you’d prefer here?”

“N-No, yours is good.”

“Come on then.”

Luhan accepted the hand offered to him and allowed himself to be pulled out, not remembering to wave goodbye to Kyungsoo when he saw him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - emotional manipulation.
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


	3. Cigarette Smoke and Mirrors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click below for trigger warnings

 

* * *

**August 17 th 2015**

* * *

 

“Hey, that’s mum and dad saying dinner is ready, if you want to come join us...?” Chanyeol’s voice was hesitant as he waited, not quite this side of the doorway. No one aside from their parents went into Kyungsoo’s room anymore - not after he’d thrown a potted plant at Baekhyun’s head.

“Soo?” Chanyeol lingered for around a minute more, before he sighed; he was the only one that still waited for the responses Kyungsoo just couldn’t give. “Just... come down if you change your mind,” his brother continued wearily, and Kyungsoo felt anger flare within him. The thought that anyone dared even consider themselves weary around him made him furious. They knew nothing of what it felt like, to be this  _tired_. No, no one understood this type of exhaustion.

“I think mum was wanting to talk to you about tomorrow,” and with that Chanyeol left, unaware of the affect his words had, Kyungsoo’s already rigid body tensing further. His anger deflated, replaced with a thick, sickening panic.

 

School would start again tomorrow.

 

The thought alone was all it took to paralyze him. He would see both of them again. He wasn’t ready. He was  _scared_. Briefly, he contemplated going downstairs, armed with his notepad and pen, and convincing his mother to let him stay off tomorrow. The week. Transfer schools, maybe. He wouldn’t be averse to leaving the country, if need be. Anything but seeing those faces again - faces that filled him with mind-numbing dread, and choking betrayal. However, he realised that asking for any such thing would only raise questions; questions that he couldn’t answer. He didn’t want people to know what had happened, and someone was bound to figure things out if people started snooping about in things that didn’t concern them. He wouldn’t let people know. He couldn’t let them know. He’d done so well at keeping things hidden so far - he’d even assured Jongin would keep his mouth shut.

That exchange had been particularly painful, so soon after the real-life horror that now followed him into his dreams each night. He’d been risen from his bed at some ungodly hour - having gotten absolutely no sleep since the moment his aching body had finally hit the bed only hours before - and limped downstairs to find Jongin standing feebly in his garden. He’d frozen in the doorway, unable to believe the absolute gall of the boy standing before him, a person he had previously called friend. Jongin’s eyes catalogued everything about his appearance; split lip, bruised cheek, clothes - the same clothes he’d been wearing when Jongin ran - torn. Kyungsoo watched with gritted teeth as his expression flitted through more emotions than he cared to count. A few shone out more than others; shock, fear, disgust. Kyungsoo wondered just how the boy would react if he could see what the ripped clothes still managed to hide - how disgusted he’d be at the bruised and potentially broken ribs, the words etched into the skin on his stomach and thighs, the mess between his legs. Yet, nothing was more noticeable in Jongin's eyes than the guilt, radiating. Kyungsoo had been filled with such a dark satisfaction then, because Jongin should feel guilty. He would never let him stop feeling it. Kyungsoo struggled to restrain himself from screaming at him, from telling him that this was his fault - that he could have helped him; saved him. Even stronger was the want to break down and fall into the arms he knew would be open for him; now of all times especially. He resisted telling him that he once been someone he had thought he could have fallen for. Had been falling for. Had already fallen for.

For Jongin had ran.

What Kyungsoo did say came out colder than anything he had uttered in his life, the command in them ringing clear and unquestionable - “You say nothing.” - because if he did, Kyungsoo would never forgive him. When Jongin had left, when that last hope of stopping what had once been reserved for only his worst nightmares left with him, he had decided that he could only go on if no one knew. He didn’t want people’s attention. Not for that. And if he wasn’t going to say anything, then Jongin wouldn’t either.

He didn’t doubt the look that he gave Jongin then conveyed this, and he wasn’t surprised when Jongin didn’t protest. He did nothing to acknowledge the heartbreak in Jongin's eyes (the _relief_ ), and only waited to hear Jongin agree. The words escaped Jongin’s downturned lips in a breath too quiet for the noise in Kyungsoo’s head, and he slammed the door before Jongin’s eyes could hurt him further. Before the lock once more clicked into place, he heard a pleading question:

 

“Will you keep quiet too?”

(After, when Kyungsoo was failing to force words out, he laughed at how Jongin always seemed to know exactly what to say. The laughter quickly turned into tears.)

 

He hadn’t seen Jongin since, but he’d have to tomorrow - they shared too many classes. Yet Jongin wasn’t the person he truly wanted, no,  _needed_  to avoid. He wasn’t the one he was scared of.

  
*

 

Jongin startled when someone sat next to him as the bell rang to signal the start of class. He froze when he realised who it was.

“Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo turned to him, flashing him a warm smile before turning back to face the front. Jongin didn’t understand it, and as the day dragged on his confusion turned to sickness when he realised what Kyungsoo was doing - continue as if nothing has happened; ‘say nothing.’ He had known then that Kyungsoo truly wouldn’t tell anyone, but speculating was so much different from being forced to face the evidence sitting before you. Jongin couldn’t comprehend why Kyungsoo wouldn’t speak up. He himself wanted justice, revenge, some kind of repercussion to be served. However, despite his entire being screaming against it, Jongin would pretend everything was normal if that’s what Kyungsoo wanted. He’d do whatever the boy asked, at this point; anything to earn the forgiveness he did not truly expect.

But they couldn’t pretend - because Kyungsoo was  _so very_  silent. Too silent for people not to notice. ‘Selective mutism’ - their teacher had explained on Kyungoo’s behalf - ‘due to trauma. Kyungsoo has given me permission to tell you all that he was assaulted and mugged in the holidays,’ - so that was the story he was going with - ‘and has had trouble speaking since. I want you all to support him as best you can.’ It was all said with a sympathetic voice and warm, comforting smile; Kyungsoo returning it far too easily for Jongin to cope with. A few minutes later he excused himself to the bathroom and threw up.

Yet despite having to swallow back bile at every deceiving smile gifted upon him from the boy he had wronged, he clung to his side. It was too little too late, he knew, but he wouldn’t leave him. He withheld the cries that wanted to escape his lips every time a fellow student called out to them and had to be told why Kyungsoo couldn’t return the greeting. After realising just how long it took him to write out his explanation on the small whiteboard he’d been equipped with, Jongin started explaining on Kyungoo’s behalf. He wasn’t sure if he appreciated it or not, but whatever the case he never stopped him.

It travelled around the school fast - Jongin able to virtually taste the waves of discomfort radiating off his friend. They’d been crowded in the canteen at lunch, and the familiar feeling of guilt welled within him at the look of panic in Kyungsoo’s eyes. He had placed his hand on Kyungsoo’s back in an attempt to steer him clear from all the pointing fingers and questioning eyes, but had near violently wrenched it away again when he felt Kyungsoo flinch. That was the second time in three that he had to rush to the bathroom to spill out his stomach lining.

The third had been when Sehun had seen him and smiled.

  
*

 

“Hey, Chanyeol - what’s up with your brother?”

Chanyeol winced slightly, and turned to face the only person in his year taller than him. He briefly considered snapping at him to mind his own damn business, already so very tired of the nosiness of others, but was lulled into a state of melancholic lethargy by the look of genuine concern on the taller’s face. He found himself falling into these moods more and more often these days.

“Hey, Yifan. He got jumped by some thugs around a month back - hasn’t been able to speak since.” He didn’t try to describe it in detail; only stating the facts - he didn’t like how people were already turning it into gossip: a story. Besides, he hardly even knew enough to give any details - no one did. As far as he was aware only Kyungsoo and the men who had hurt him knew what had happened that day, and Kyungsoo all but refused to tell them his parents or him anything. The things he had told them had been massively glossed over, and it was the same with the police officers, doctors, and therapists Kyungsoo had been to since. Everyone was crying out to him; telling him that he could and should speak out - help them bring justice to those who did this to him. But Kyungsoo just wanted to... forget. Chanyeol hated himself for getting angry at his brother for it.

“Well shit. Sorry to hear that - isn’t he, like, hugely into singing?” Yifan questioned, briefly pulling Chanyeol free from his inner turmoil. He nodded sadly in response, and probably would have given at least some form of verbal response if company hadn’t joined them at that precise moment.

“They must have roughed him up something serious if he’s gone mute over it.” - Sehun. Chanyeol turned to him and offered a mechanical shrug; unsure what emotion to adopt in response to the younger’s statement, and more than slightly perplexed at his tone.

“He was in hospital for a bit, yeah.”

“That bad?”

“It wouldn’t have been, but he didn’t tell anyone for over a week and clearly just kind of hoped things would heal by themselves - turns out a couple of ribs were broken; a few days later he fell and they lacerated his spleen - we hadn’t even noticed until then.”

Chanyeol wasn’t quite sure what the expression on Sehun’s face was supposed to portray, and his attention was brought back to Yifan before he could suss it out.

“Fuck.”

He couldn’t help but agree to Yifan’s somewhat lost response.

“I felt terrible for not seeing it,” he admitted quietly; not needing everyone around them listening in. “I mean, he must have been in pain...”

“Well, you can’t really blame yourself,” Sehun interjected. “You can’t be expected to notice something he’s chosen to hide.”

He assumed Sehun was trying to make him feel better, but it didn’t really help. He forced a smile onto his face and thanked him none the less.

  
*

 

_Stop looking at me. Stop it. Don’t look at me. Don’t look._

It was a constant mantra in Kyungsoo’s head; refusing to let him relax when he could feel all these eyes on him. He knew he was being paranoid - it was impossible for anyone to know - but with every glance in his direction and whisper hidden behind raised palms he felt as if they did. As if they could see the physical taint on him. As if all that had occurred had marked him, someone. And he supposed it had, actually - what else should he consider his inability to speak? He wanted to tell all of these people to leave him alone: he wanted to scream. But he couldn’t, and doing it internally only served to give him a headache and make his jaw creak in agony at how hard he was clenching it.

He’d taken refuge in the library, only to find someone he hadn’t wanted to see curled up within its maze of books - someone he hadn’t even considered until the moment he laid eyes on him and inherently  _knew_  that this would be yet another source of grief for him; yet another enemy.

Luhan shot him a vicious look when he noticed him, before proceeding to glare at him until Kyungsoo had hurried around the next corner. He’d spent the following fifteen minutes hiding from his ex-friend and trying to calm his heart beat before he went into a full blown panic attack. He was partially successful - Luhan didn’t find him.

  
*

 

“Are you sure?” Chanyeol asked, eyeing the letters on the small whiteboard ominously: ‘WE NEED A NEW SINGER.’

They were at their first practice for Knights in Shining Armour - although Kyungsoo still appeared disgusted whenever he heard their band called that - since the incident, and it had quickly become awkward when instead of the mic Kyungsoo had picked up an electric guitar and amp. Said boy only nodded in response now - ‘IT’S NOT LIKE I CAN DO IT ANYMORE.’

“Yeah, but you will be able to again someday,” Chanyeol reasoned, trying not to scream at the look of blatant disbelief crossing his brother’s face in response to his words. “You will, Soo.”

‘OKAY FINE. ON THAT DAY WE CAN SING DUETS. NOW, WE NEED A SINGER WHO CAN ACTUALLY SING.’

Chanyeol was about to counter again - something irritated he had no intention of forming in his mind before letting his mouth voice - but someone beat him to it.

“Who?” It was the first time Jongin had spoken since he had arrived. Chanyeol decided to contribute his lack of usual enthusiasm down to Kyungsoo’s less than well state - he knows his own moods were almost entirely dictated by it.

‘BAEKHYUN CAN SING.’

“Will he do it?”

‘HE WILL IF I ASK HIM TO.”

“He doesn’t know any of our stuff,” Chanyeol huffed petulantly.

“He can learn it,” Jongin reasoned.

“He won’t be as good as Soo is,” he was aware that he was just being difficult for the sake of being difficult by then, but the thought that Kyungsoo could no longer sing - something his brother had always treasured as if it was sacred - hurt him. He wanted to help, but he didn’t know how and he couldn’t accept that.

‘WAS.’

“Soo...” Jongin sounded about as downtrodden as Chanyeol felt.

‘AND HE’S EASILY UP TO OUR STANDARD. YOU GUYS WILL LIKE HIM.’

Dejectedly, Kyungsoo’s two current band mates agreed to give Baekhyun a shot - neither able to refuse anything Kyungsoo asked of them. The next week, Baekhyun agreed to be their new singer. A week later, Kyungsoo presented them all with two songs that had them recoiling in horror - ‘Hold Your Tongue’, and ‘Cigarette Smoke and Mirrors’. They agreed to play them both. Baekhyun’s voice was pretty.

_Cigarette smoke trails from an outstretched hand_

_As you preach to the mirror of your promised land,_

_And try to forget about what they made you do._

_Hands clutch the sink as you steady yourself,_

_And stare down the drain at your fleeing health._

_Try to forget what they told you._

_Wake to another day._

_Wash the nightmares away._

_Hurry now darling; no you can’t be late._

_Through the crowds which make you suffocate,_

_Full of glances that know you better than you do._

_Hide from the faces of the ones you’ve lost;_

_Forever questioning who you can trust._

_Try to stop them from controlling you._

_Live through another day._

_Leading yourself astray._

_The pages are blank and_

_You can’t find it in yourself to write_

_Another clichéd description_

_Of when you knew you’d lost the fight._

_As far as you’re concerned it’s none of their concern,_

_No need for an explanation._

_So as for final words and goodbyes_

_You’ll leave it up to imagination._

_And you try_

_To protect all of those around you._

_And you try_

_To smile as their concerns surround you._

_And you try_

_To wait till the day they all leave you._

_And you try_

 

_But no one would believe you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - implied rape and violence
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


	4. Shatter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click below for trigger warnings

 

* * *

**December 6 th 2015**

* * *

 

“Channie, we’re going to be okay.”

Chanyeol watched solemnly as Baekhyun paced up and down the length of his room - he’d arrived home after spending two nights in a jail cell (bail for grievous assault was high, and it had taken a while to find the money - that, along with the price of his lawyer, had taken a noticeable chunk out of his family’s savings) to find him like that. Baekhyun had visited him as often as the police had allowed, and during the car ride home Chanyeol’s parents told him that he had spent the past few nights at their house. His mother quietly explained he had spent both nights in Chanyeol’s bed with his favourite jacket; Baekhyun explained how Kyungsoo had needed him; Kyungsoo wouldn’t explain anything. Not to him, anyway - no matter how much he begged him to.

“I mean, the court date isn’t for another few months - they’ll have realised by then that you’re not a threat,” Baekhyun began to rationalise. He’d stopped his pacing now, and was instead standing staring out of the window; his back to his boyfriend. His words sounded unconvincing, even to himself, and Chanyeol certainly didn’t believe them.

“Baek,” he tried, gently at first.

Baekhyun continued as if he hadn’t heard him, “You won’t do it again. It was just that one time. Because of what he did,” convincing himself. He needed to believe it, needed something firm to hold onto whilst the rest of his life fell apart. He hated himself for feeling that way. It was selfish, because he wasn’t the one being accused of attempted murder, or who had overdosed. He wasn’t the one who had been raped.

“Baek.”

But these people, these friends who he loved and cared about, they were his  _life_ , and this nightmare they’d been thrown into affected him too. Right now, Baekhyun was their rock - the one who rationalised and coaxed and fought and screamed until someone listened to them, and it was slowly breaking him. He needed to believe in something.

“You wouldn’t hurt a fly - Sehun deserved it. Everyone has to see that.”

He needed to believe that they were all going to be okay.

“Baekhyun.”

That he was going to be okay without Chanyeol there with him.

“If they just have the time to investigate.”

That Chanyeol  **would**  be there with him.

“Baekhyun!”

Reluctantly, he turned to meet the gaze of the boy he loved with his whole heart. He felt his resolve crack as his own tired eyes met Chanyeol’s resigned ones.

“Chanyeol, I-I can’t...”

He would break. He couldn’t.

“I’m going to jail, Baekhyun. Nothing is going to prevent that.”

He was going to break.

  
*

 

Luhan spent a long time lingering outside Sehun’s hospital room. It had been announced on the news that day; the media’s greedy hands grabbing for information - they’d already tried to get him to spill his secrets, and if they saw him going to see Sehun... It was not every day the Police Chief’s son was beaten to near-death. It was not every day the Police Chief’s son was accused of rape.

Sehun hadn’t contacted him since the assault, and Luhan hadn’t dared try to contact Sehun. But it had been two days, Luhan was sick to his stomach with all the words trying to escape his mouth, and Sehun might not even be allowed visitors soon - it all depended on if Kyungsoo had enough to charge him with.

So Luhan came, and then proceeded to spend two hours standing in the hallway. He was running out of time, and a look at the clock on the wall behind him had him hastening to do what he had come to do. Finally, he entered Sehun’s room and shut the door behind him.

“What are you doing here?”

The greeting was not what he was hoping for.

“I was worried about you...” he spoke softly, already anxious about the level of Sehun’s volume - he needed this to be a private conversation. Sehun snorted, noticing Luhan’s weak smile falter as he did. He looked away.

“There’s no point in you being here. Leave.”

“But-” Luhan started.

“Fuck off,” Sehun ended.

When he received no response he assumed Luhan had left, but looking over he saw that that wasn’t the case - Luhan stood where he had, head bowed as his tears hit the vinyl floor below him. Sehun watched him for a while, waiting for a sound he knew he wouldn’t hear. As far as he was concerned it was one of Luhan’s redeeming qualities. As far as Luhan concerned it was too.

“What, you’re crying now?” Sehun mocked. Luhan bit his bottom lip but knew better than to respond. Another minute passed as he gathered his courage.

“You’re being accused of rape.” There it was - out in the open.

“You think I don’t fucking know that?” There it was, shattering any bravery Luhan had tried to build. “Do I look like an idiot to you?” The anger resonating in Sehun’s voice made him cringe, and he whimpered knowing it was once more directed towards him, but forced himself to continue.

“Do Kyungsoo...” he was barely audible. “Why? What does he have that I don’t?” It was the question Luhan had always asked himself, if he was truthful. The question he’d tried time and time again to reason out, but never could. Because he was good to Sehun - so good, and when he failed to be at least he was _trying_. This was the question that he needed the answer to: that he _deserved_  the answer to. Yet he wasn’t surprised when Sehun denied him it.

“He’s not standing here blubbering like a baby.”

Although he was prepared for it, it still hurt and Luhan whimpered again, causing Sehun to snap at him. 

“You know I hate noise.”

“He’s mute,” - a statement of fact. Luhan wasn’t sure why he made it.

“He is.”

“But he wasn’t... Not when you...” Maybe that was why, Luhan thought absently - because even when Kyungsoo was everything Sehun didn’t want, he’d still choose him over Luhan.

“What do you want, Luhan?” Sehun’s voice was too quiet - it made Luhan feel ill.  _I want you to choose me. Just once._

“I want you to tell me you love me!” he begged, already knowing Sehun would deny him this also.

“You know I do.”

“You won’t say it?”

“Since when did I have to answer to you?”

“Sehun please-”

“It’s resorted to begging now, has it?” And that hurt. That really, really hurt. He’d been feeling like an object a lot recently.

“S-Sehun...”

“And now it’s going to cry again.”

Luhan tried his best to hold the tears back - he really did - but once more they cascaded down his cheeks against his will. He was sick of proving Sehun right. He was sick of Sehun looking at him, refusing to see.

“Come here.”

Suddenly strong hands were pulling him onto the bed and what should have been a warm embrace.

“Little Lu, you know better than to cry like this,” Sehun murmured, smoothing Luhan’s hair from where it shielded his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Luhan managed to rasp out, watching his own fingers clutching at the material of Sehun’s shirt.

“I know you are.”

“I’ll be better, I promise.”

“I know you will.”

“I love you.”

“I know you do.”

  
*

 

Baekhyun was finally asleep - he’d spent the past hour crying in Chanyeol’s arms and Chanyeol just couldn’t. He had done this. Baekhyun needed him to pretend, to comfort him and assure him things would be okay, but he hadn’t. He felt more empty than guilty. More scared than empty. He had almost killed somebody. He had fractured his skull. He had felt it crack and just kept hitting. He had almost killed someone. He hadn’t succeeded. He wished he had. He was going to jail.

He’d almost killed someone.

A tap to his back nearly made him jump out of his skin. He spun around to find Kyungsoo staring up at him with wide, worried eyes. He didn’t think before he was pulling him into a hug.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. For everything. I should have known. I should have seen something. I should have asked more questions. I should have asked you. I should have stayed with you, on that night. I should have stayed with Jongin. Fuck, Jongin. I can’t. And you! I shouldn’t have stopped - when they got there. I should have killed him.”

Chanyeol felt Kyungsoo flinch and tense up but he kept going, until the words didn’t really make sense anymore, and instead of holding Kyungsoo he was being held. Supported, as everything sank in. Supported, the way he should have supported Kyungsoo. Jongin.

He was going to jail. His best friend had overdosed. His brother had been raped.

 

He had almost killed somebody.

  
*

 

Luhan lay curled up with Sehun on his hospital bed - the nurse had tried to get him to leave earlier, but Sehun had asked her to let him stay. Luhan was tremendously grateful.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Sehun sighed gently, his breath tickling Luhan’s ear and making the smaller shudder. “You shouldn’t be upset. Everything’s fucked up.”

A breath, to steady his voice, “Yeah, it is.”

“You shouldn’t have come here today, Luhan - you should have known what my reaction would be.”

“I wanted to see you.”

Sehun glanced down at the boy huddled against his side; head hidden in his chest. The tiredness in his voice worried him. He stroked the hair away from Luhan’s face.

“I’m sorry,” the words had left his mouth before Sehun realised what they were, yet he meant them. Luhan glanced up at him - a mixture of curiosity and trepidation on his face.

“For what?”

And Sehun knew exactly what - he’d always known; the insecurities of his lover. He’d used them against him, used everything he could to keep him there. 

“Not seeing what’s always been in front of me.”

A poorly concealed intake of breath and tightening of embrace was all Sehun received in response, so he continued.

“I should have always chosen you. I know that now. Even if he did want me, I will always choose you.”

And Sehun hardly heard it, but it was there - “Thank you.”

He couldn’t let Luhan leave him.

“I love you, Luhan.”

“I love you too.”

  
*

 

Kyungsoo couldn’t sleep. He’d spent nearly the entire night trying to, but whenever he closed his eyes he saw Chanyeol crying, Baekhyun crying, Jongin...  About half an hour ago he’d picked up his guitar. The lyrics had poured from him quicker than he could write them down, but for once it didn’t help.

_These fragile memories shatter around me,_

_I watch as they crumble and fall._

_These fragile memories that were once a part of me,_

_I now can’t remember at all._

Because for all this time he’d been despairing in his inability to speak, now - words were nothing. Words couldn’t do anything.

_I took far too long to acknowledge it;_

_I’m only realising now what I could have become._

_Too lost in my sorrow to see past it,_

_I was too frightened to see just what I should have done._

_These fragile memories shatter around me,_

_I watch as they crumble and fall._

_These fragile memories that were once a part of me,_

_I now can’t remember at all._

**He**  couldn’t do anything. It was too late. He had done nothing when he could have - when there was still time - and now it was too late.

_If I could rewind time, I’d do different;_

_Take the road I should have travelled from the start._

_But life will not let me relive it,_

_I can only watch as before me you fall apart._

_These fragile memories shatter around me,_

_I watch as they crumble and fall._

_These fragile memories that were once a part of me,_

_I now can’t remember at all._

He needed to act now if there was the slightest bit of hope, but he couldn’t. He needed to speak out, but it was impossible.

_Unprepared; I swear I didn’t see it coming_

_Till it was pushing me down to where it I now belong,_

_But my blindness is my own doing_

_You shouldn’t have to pay for all the things I did wrong._

_These fragile memories shatter around me,_

_I watch as they crumble and fall._

_These fragile memories that were once a part of me,_

_I now can’t remember at all._

And it was all his fault.

_These fragile memories shatter around me,_

_I watch as they crumble and fall._

_Such fragile memories - you were once a part of me,_

_I now don’t remember you at all._

  
*

 

Peace had fallen briefly on Luhan and Sehun that night, but for all Sehun’s insistence of his hatred of noise; he hated silence more. So he broke it.

“I regret it.”

He felt Luhan go stiff in his embrace.

“Kyungsoo?” the boy questioned quietly; almost as if he didn’t want to be heard. Sehun’s answer was the opposite - he needed to be heard now.

“Yes.”

That one word affected Luhan more than he wanted to admit - the aftershocks travelling through his muscled and settling into his bones, trembling. He didn’t know why it hurt so much to have something that he already knew to be true confirmed. But it did, and he found himself needing to question it.

“So you admit you-”

“I’m going to confess.”

And that - of all things - was too much for him to handle. The arms that had finally,  _finally_  started to make him feel loved again were once more his prison, and he’d already been so very violated here. He couldn’t go back to it now.

Hardly recognising the feeling of his own body moving, he pulled away and suddenly he wasn’t in Sehun’s arms anymore. He didn’t feel any less trapped.

“They haven’t even charged you Sehun.”

He couldn’t let Sehun confess - because then they’d know. They’d know that his boyfriend was a rapist and they wouldn’t understand. They’d blame him for not stopping it - or they’d see him as another victim. Maybe he was, but he loved Sehun and he didn’t need anyone’s pity. He deserved this. He needed this. People wouldn’t understand this - he knew that from experience. He needed this because Sehun needed him.

“They will.”

He was needed. He had a purpose. He didn’t get it right - he wasn’t right. He wasn’t the right person, but Sehun needed him even if he didn’t want him.

“They have nothing to charge you on!”

Kyungsoo needed him - he was the wall that stopped Sehun from going back to him. They were bad for each other and he kept them apart. He tried to be good enough but people wouldn’t see that - they’d want to know why he hadn’t said anything.

“So what, you expect me to lie?”

Yes, he expected him to lie - “Yes!” - because _he_ had, _for_ Sehun.

“What the hell Luhan?”

He wanted to cry at the apparent disgust in Sehun’s voice, because that would be how everyone would react, and he deserved a lot of bad things but he knew he didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserved to be judged. He didn’t deserve to lose the one person who needed him.

“I want you to lie!”

He needed Sehun to lie because he needed Sehun because Sehun needed him and he wouldn’t if he was locked away. He would be left behind. He would be forgotten. He would be useless. Worthless.

“You know what, this doesn’t concern you.”

The ease with which Sehun dismissed him only strengthened this belief, and for this he couldn’t let himself be dismissed.

“I’d lie for you!”

He’d do more than that - he already knew that if Sehun went to jail he’d find a way to follow him. He’d kill for Sehun. Maybe if it was Kyungsoo, people wouldn’t pity him.

“You lie to me.”

Now, he felt something he hadn’t in a long, long time - because that was something he had never done.

“No, I don’t - that’s what you do, Sehun.” Anger. “I would lie for you. I do lie for you.” White hot. “Every single day, I do.” Anger. “And don’t you dare deny that.” It was empowering.

“Why do you even want me to lie?”

“Why do you want to confess? You’ll go to jail!”

“I deserve to.”

He didn’t deserve to. He didn’t deserve to just escape like that and leave him alone here. Luhan deserved- he was circling the drain now: so close to breaking as the crux of the matter batter at the walls of his mind.

“So what, you suddenly feel bad for what you did to him - once, all those months ago?”

Wasn’t that just laughable.

“You can’t just justify it like that Luhan.”

The amount Sehun had justified doing to him.

“Oh, I am not justifying it.”

He failed to keep the emotion from his voice.

“Then what are you doing?”

The violence done against him.

“I’m asking you why. Why, after everything I’ve done for you, why can’t you stay for me? Stay with me, Sehun.”

He needed it.  _He_  deserved it. He needed Sehun.

“Luhan I can’t just ignore what I’ve done.”

He needed Sehun.

“Please.”

He needed Sehun.

“Lu I’m guilty! I hate myself for what I’ve become, do you get that?! For what I did to him - I wish I could take it back but I can’t and I need you to support me in this because I feel horrible inside right now. I regret it, so much.”

Sehun needed him.

“You regret it.”

Needed somewhere to vent that empowering anger, like the anger that left Luhan now.

“Yes.”

Somewhere that didn’t matter if it got broken in the process.

“You feel guilty for hurting him.”

Something pretty and meek, to stop Sehun from breaking what mattered more.

“Yes!”

Someone he could hurt, without feeling guilty.

“You’re a liar, Oh Sehun.”

A liar, because Sehun didn’t love him. Luhan had always known it.

“I mean it Luhan! Why the fuck can’t you believe that?”

He didn’t deserve that.

“Luhan!”

Luhan left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - abusive relationship and discussion of rape.
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


	5. The Boy Who Walked Into Doors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click below for trigger warnings

 

 

* * *

**November 3 rd ** **2015**

* * *

 

 Baekhyun hadn’t expected to overhear the conversation he was now.

He’d been following Luhan home from school for months; knowing something was off about his old friend but needing more information to place it. They lived near one another, so he hadn’t been concerned about it being suspicious. He’d originally tried walking _with_ the boy, until it became apparent Sehun walked him home every day. Whatever had been bugging him about Luhan all fell into place when he saw the younger pick him up, a block _away_ from the school gates, and cage an arm around him. The first day he’d seen it his legs had locked, rooted to where he was standing, watching as his mind raced to suss everything out. For a long time he didn’t know why Sehun met Luhan away from the main entrance – everyone knew about them at school, and although the iron-like grip Sehun retained on Luhan’s upper arm throughout the entirety of each walk was enough to scream out what was happening, Baekhyun also knew the boy was a good enough actor to play off any concerns others may have. For a while, Baekhyun thought that maybe it was Luhan’s decision for the pair to meet away from prying eyes – Sehun was confident and cocky, but Luhan was the opposite: maybe he didn’t want to be seen like that. Maybe he was ashamed. It broke Baekhyun’s heart to think about it that way.

He finally understood when, one afternoon, he watched as Luhan tripped. Sehun hauled him up, grip never having loosened, and Baekhyun expected them to continue on. For a moment he thought that was the case, then he caught Luhan’s reflection in a car window - there were tears streaming from the boy’s eyes in rivulets as thick as his fingers. Baekhyun had startled, eyes roaming the boy’s figure from behind in search of any injury which would cause such a reaction. It was only when he heard the small, hiccupped apologies that he realised why he was crying. That he was _sorry_ for falling. That he thought he was in the wrong. Sehun picked Luhan up away from the school because Luhan couldn’t be trusted to hide everything that was wrong with their relationship. Luhan blamed himself for that. That day, Baekhyun had cried with him; struggling to keep quiet enough to remain undiscovered.

It had taken him so long, then, to notice Luhan’s tears. It wasn’t until now that Baekhyun realised why.

“He’s a quiet thing, isn’t he?” – Baekhyun recognised the boy speaking; a friend of Sehun’s from his year with hard eyes. He and Sehun were standing over a sobbing Luhan; who sat on the steps to his backdoor, not looking at either Sehun or his friend. No matter how much Baekhyun strained, he found he couldn’t hear a single sound coming from the crying boy. It terrified him.

“He is,” Sehun replied, watching his friend watch Luhan. “Nothing like you, when you cry.” It was a joke. It was meant to be a joke. Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel that jokes had no place here, between these people, in this situation, standing over and watching a boy cry without making a sound.

“Oh shut the fuck up Sehun – like you’re any better.” The friend’s body was tense – as if he was unsure what to do with it. At first Baekhyun felt relieved that _someone_  was acknowledging just how wrong this whole situation was. Then his brain caught up with him, and he remembered what this friend had to know and had to be doing, and he instantly hated himself for feeling that way – it made **no** difference. This friend could be as uncomfortable as humanly possible and it **wouldn’t change anything.** Because _he knew._ He knew, and he did nothing. He knew, and he talked about it like it was nothing. He knew, and Baekhyun didn’t want to think about  _why_ he knew.

“I don’t cry,” Sehun responded, pulling Baekhyun back to the conversation at hand. As his eyes focused he became disturbed at how relaxed Sehun was in comparison. Here he was watching his own boyfriend fall apart before him and he looked like he was used to it. Baekhyun hated the hard eyed friend. He wanted to kill Sehun.

“No, but you scream and yell and throw shit.”

Baekhyun stared at the friend and struggled to find a name for him.

“Please. You’re the one known for throwing tantrums.”

He knew he knew it... He let his mind be distracted by that. Trying to find the name. He didn’t want to think about what was happening before him anymore.

“Ha ha. So, is he like this _**all**_ _the time?_ ”

Baekhyun’s blood ran cold. The name wasn’t what was important about this friend.

“What, quiet?”

“Fucking duh.”

“No need to be so goddamn rude you cocksucker. But yeah, he’s good like that.”

Baekhyun wanted to rush forward from where he was hidden and take Luhan away – save him from what he knew was coming. Wanted Luhan to never again have to be ‘good like that’. He needed to do that. He would do that. He moved forward to do exactly that-

“Oh, I bet he is. Nothing like that Do kid, then?”

-but he hadn’t expected that. His muscled tensed up as the words sank in.

“Why don’t you see for yourself?”

Baekhyun wretched into the bushes.

  
*

 

Luhan felt on edge. Mirrors had been catching his eye all day – making him paranoid that the make-up wouldn’t hide all it needed to – and Baekhyun had been trying to speak to him again. Why couldn’t he take the hint and fuck off? Luhan had told him he had to leave; that he had a doctor’s appointment to get to. Baekhyun had asked why, and if it had anything to do with the alcohol he smelt on Luhan’s breath. Luhan had snapped that it was none of his business, that he was perfectly capable of making his own decisions and no one had the right to judge him on them, and then left quickly. He chanced cupping a palm over his mouth to discover that Baekhyun hadn’t been lying – he wondered how he hadn’t noticed the smell before. He felt ashamed – he was at school, who else had smelt it? – but he reasoned that it helped more than painkillers; that his wincing with every step would be a lot more obvious than a little stink. He still went through a whole packet of chewing gum before meeting Sehun after school though. He hadn’t been surprised to see Tao there. He was still terrified though. He didn’t think he would ever stop feeling that.

He ended up not going to his appointment.

  
*

 

Baekhyun didn’t know what to say. He’d had his suspicions, sure, but there was no doubt in his mind now: this proved it. And he was hurt. He was hurt that Kyungsoo hadn’t told anyone; hadn’t told him. Had he felt he couldn’t? Had he been threatened somehow? Was he scared to?

Of course he was scared.

Baekhyun couldn’t believe he’d even asked himself that question. Kyungsoo must have been terrified. How was he coping with this? By himself, as well... Baekhyun tried to imagine himself in Kyungsoo’s position and felt sick again. It took him days to finally confront Kyungsoo about it.

  
*

 

Luhan listened carefully for the sound of the two boys leaving. When the back door slammed mercifully shut, he tried to get up from the bed to complete his routine. Yet, as pain flashed jagged behind his eyelids, he found he couldn’t. He began to panic almost instantly. He couldn’t move. He needed to move. What if his parents came home? Logically he knew they wouldn’t – they wouldn’t be home for two more weeks – but in his panicked state the worry screamed down his throat. So he gritted his teeth through the pain and tried to get up. He failed. He tried again. He failed. He tried again. He failed. He tried. He failed. Again and again and again.

He woke up at 3:37am with the realisation that he’d strained himself into passing out. He didn’t try again until morning. When he finally managed to move he forced himself into the shower to wash away the reminders. He didn’t bother with routine – the need had passed.

Before leaving the bathroom he stopped abruptly at the sink and stared into the eyes before him; red and swollen and reflecting the mirror back at him. It took a while for them to focus. He studied the image – busted lip; bloody nose; black eye – and decided he looked better like this. Stepping back he looked at the rest of his body and decided the same. He traced the fingertips on his throat with his own.

 

  
*

 

“Why didn’t you report it?” he asked, after too much silence.

Kyungsoo’s eyes snapped to Baekhyun’s at the question, which sounded far more like an accusation to his ears. He let the quiet stretch out as – for the first time in months – Baekhyun held his gaze. Kyungsoo had been beginning to think that his disgust was so great he couldn’t even look at him anymore. He wasn’t even happy to be proved wrong, though. He wanted to make himself right.

‘WHO WOULD CONVICT THE POLICE CHIEF’S SON?’

Even without a voice his words pierced through the stillness louder than any of Baekhyun’s screeching could have. Kyungsoo watched in twisted amusement as his unsuspecting ‘friend’ choked on whatever words he would have said; eyes wide in disbelief.

“You... I expected you to deny it,” Baekhyun admitted, voice raw. Kyungsoo scoffed, and it seemed to spur Baekhyun into action once more. “You have to tell someone Kyungsoo – talk to someone.”

‘YOU THINK I CAN TALK ABOUT ANY OF THIS? HE MAY AS WELL HAVE CUT OUT MY TONGUE. THEN AGAIN, HE SEEMED TO LIKE THE NOISES I WAS MAKING.’ Kyungsoo spat, with as much volume as a pen could allow. Baekhyun recoiled instantly, appearing physically wounded by his words – flinching back as if they had reached out and struck him. Kyungsoo found himself nearly shaking with rage at the reaction – how _dare_ he be hurt by something he didn’t know the first thing about.

The speed at which Kyungsoo stood knocked his chair back, and it clattered to the floor with another blast of painful noise.

“Soo...”

But Kyungsoo was done talking; fists clenched and refusing to relax. Denial smiled down upon him as he convinced himself that he was choosing to no longer speak to Baekhyun – that he was choosing to rebuild the wall he had finally knocked down, that it was keeping people out instead of keeping him in, that it was better to be inside those walls anyway; safer – because he refused to feel defenceless. He was **not** defenceless and he was **choosing** to be silent. The look on Baekhyun’s face was not fear or grief, and it was definitely not pity.

  
*

 

Luhan stared at the lyrics inside his maths book. He didn’t know how they had gotten there. He recognised the handwriting, though.

 

_He has no voice though he must scream._

_Reality has killed the dream._

_Blue blossoms on moonlight skin;_

_He’s in a fight he cannot win,_

_Yet he smiles still._

 

_Yet he smiles still._

_Yet he smiles still._

_Yet he smiles._

 

_Just look in his eyes:_

_Watch as the fire inside them dies._

_Can’t you see that he’s losing the fight?_

_Just look in his eyes._

 

_Just look in his eyes:_

_Watch as he tries not to cry._

_Yet even now for him he will lie._

_Watch as he smiles._

 

_Sometimes the pain’s suffocating,_

_Sometimes he will not feel a thing._

_Curled in a corner, clutching at lies;_

_At fairytales that cloud his eyes._

_Yet he smiles still._

 

_Yet he smiles still._

_Yet he smiles still._

_Yet he smiles._

 

_Just look in his eyes:_

_Watch as the fire inside them dies._

_Can’t you see that he’s losing the fight?_

_Just look in his eyes._

 

_Just look in his eyes:_

_Watch as he tries not to cry._

_Yet even now for him he will lie._

_Watch as he smiles._

 

_‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m sick.’_

_Lies and smiles and a tourniquet._

_‘Oh my darling what happened to you?’_

_How many doors have you walked into?_

_The doctor sniffs and smells the drink;_

_What else was he supposed to think?_

_Looks him over - should have seen him cry_

_If he’d_

 

_Just looked in his eyes:_

_Watched as the fire inside them died._

_Can’t you see that he’s losing the fight?_

_Just look in his eyes._

 

_Just look in his eyes:_

_Watch as he tries not to cry._

_Yet even now for him he will lie._

_Watch as he smiles._

 

_He smiles still._

_He smiles still._

_He smiles still._

_It doesn’t reach his eyes._

_He smiles still._

_I’m tired of the lies._

_He smiles still._

_It doesn’t reach his eyes._

_He smiles still._

_Yet we swallow the lies._

 

_Just look in his eyes:_

_Watch as he tells us all of his lies._

_Can’t you see when he smiles_

_It doesn’t reach his eyes?_

He burned them before anyone else could see them, and pretended it wasn’t meant to be his story. He went to the bathroom to check his make-up and watched them burn through the mirror. He didn’t see himself.

  
*

 

Baekhyun was going to throw up. For the first time since his cat had brought him that barely breathing bird when he was seven, he was going to be sick. It had been clinging to life, that bird; staring at its spilled intestines with wide unseeing eyes, not making a sound. Kyungsoo had reminded him of that bird then. Yet, at the same time, as soon as Baekhyun made the connection in his mind; he no longer did.

Because even without a sound Kyungsoo could make a noise, yet he had started to forget that. He realised with a jolt he was close to forgetting what Kyungsoo’s voice sounded like. He wanted to cry. The words Kyungsoo was creating – they were vulgar and what Baekhyun’s nightmares were made of and he couldn’t stomach them. He shocked and disgusted himself when, before he even had thought to stop it, he was questioning whether or not it would be better for Kyungsoo to remain silent. To keep this secret, so they could forget.

For a moment he was worried he had voiced this aloud because in his entire life he had never seen Kyungsoo look that livid. The way he was standing: confrontational.

“Soo...”

He waited for the words that would strip him down and shame him for such thoughts. He waited for the words that would beg and demand for him to share in his friend’s silence. He waited for words. Spoken or not, he waited for Kyungsoo’s voice.

Realising he wouldn’t receive it should not have settled his stomach the way it did, so he refused to acknowledge the feeling. Instead, he concentrated on the darkness that seemed to want to swallow them both whole. The fear; for Kyungsoo and himself and this maybe being the last time the two of them shared a true conversation.

  
*

 

Luhan no longer looked in mirrors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - heavily implied domestic violence.
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


	6. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click below for trigger warnings

 

 

* * *

**July 28** **th** **2015**

* * *

 

Kyungsoo sat staring out of the tiny window of the all-white room he’d been assigned. He didn’t like it here. It was too bright and too pristine and it made him feel dirty in comparison. More so than he already had. Still, it was better than out there. People knew now. God, he’d been so stupid to think he’d be able to keep it a secret. Yet then again, he’d managed to hide it for weeks – broken ribs and everything. He wasn’t sure what he was more distressed about; people potentially finding out, or the fact that no one had noticed he was in pain, in every sense of the word. There was a heavy feeling in his chest when he considered people might just not  _care,_  and the feeling only grew as he continued to think about it. The boy everyone thought was in love with him hadn’t cared, so why should anyone else? 

It was almost a relief when the nurse entered and dragged Kyungsoo from his thoughts before he could inevitably revisit that night. Almost. 

“There’s no need to be nervous Kyungsoo – you can talk to me about as much or as little as you’d like.”

‘I DON’T LIKE HOSPITALS.’ Kyungsoo quickly scrawled on the whiteboard the nurse had provided for him, holding it out for the lab coat to see. He prayed she’d get it – he just wanted to be left alone. (That was a lie, but it wasn’t her he wanted there with him.)

“Not many people do. Is this what you want to talk about?”

‘I DON’T WANT TO TALK.’

“That’s fine, but there are some things I have to ask you.”

So much for only talking as much as he wanted to. Kyungsoo inclined his head in defeat and answered everything he was willing to: How have you been sleeping? ALRIGHT. Trouble falling asleep? NO; Nightmares? YES; Do you want to talk about them? NO; Okay. The nurse tells me you’ve not been eating much. THAT ISN’T A QUESTION; I suppose it’s not. Can you tell me why you’ve not been eating much? LOST MY APPETITE; I see... On and on and on – NO I ONLY WANT FAMILY VISITING – until – I’D LIKE TO RETURN HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE – finally – I’VE BEEN UNABLE TO SPEAK SINCE THE MORNING AFTER – they reached the question he knew they would.

“Tell me... do you remember what happened that night Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo struggled to hold back a sigh as he wrote out – ‘WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS.’

“We have, but you’ve yet to answer me.”

‘ISN’T THAT ANSWER ENOUGH?’

“I’m afraid not. I cannot act without it being confirmed.”

But he didn’t want anyone to act – ‘I DO NOT.’

“We both know that isn’t true Kyungsoo.”

Yet it was the answer he was giving. He refused to respond to further questions.

 

*

 

Luhan stared at his eyes in the mirror; visibly shaking. He’d come to inspect the damage but after one glance he couldn’t. That wasn’t him.  _That couldn’t be him._  He didn’t look like that. He was just dreaming (he looked like something a nightmare of his would create) – or – someone was pulling a sick joke on him (make-up could make him look like this, right?) – or – there was something wrong with the mirror (maybe it was twisted or murky or something!) – or – there must be another possibility – or – it definitely wasn’t what he was thinking – or – that couldn’t be right – or – not again – or – Sehun wasn’t even there – or!

He hadn’t hit him. Sehun  _hadn’t_ . And if he had it hadn’t been on purpose. Never on purpose. No matter what the bruises  showed. Sehun hadn’t hit him. Not on purpose. He had promised he wouldn’t. Not again. He’d been so sorry. Never again. He hadn’t hit him. He’d promised.

 

*

 

“Sehun! Get your ass down here and let the bloody dog out!”

Sehun pulled himself out of bed at his father’s voice.

“Coming sir!”

Sehun ran down the stairs (without shoes; so as not to make a noise) and opened the back door to let his family’s old Rottweiler out, keeping his distance as much as he could whilst doing so – he didn’t really like the creature; it always snarled at him and it make him nervous. 

“You know he’ll never respect you if you act like such a pussy around him all the time.”

Sehun grinned sheepishly at his dad as he appeared in the kitchen doorway. 

“Suppose you’re right, I’ll remember next time,” he half-muttered – he was expected to reply.

“Course I’m fucking right, I know what I’m talking about you brat.”

Sehun’s ears twitched at what he thought was a bemused tone lingering in his father’s words. His grin turned into a laugh as his dad nudged him into the kitchen counter. 

“Sorry sir – didn’t mean to question your almighty omnipotence!” He was pushing it, but today seemed to be going alright for him.

“Cheeky little shit! Think cause you know big words you know more than your old man?” his father demanded. Sehun could only cackle, and then shriek when he was pushed onto the floor.

“All words you are! – no action, let alone balance! And that noise! Just shatter my eardrums kid!” his dad gruffed out, chuckling under his breath – and Sehun smiled along with him as he rubbed at his sore tail bone.

“Come on brat, stop being such a useless faggot and pick yourself up off the floor.” And with that, his father left the room, throwing a “Grab me a beer and come watch the game!” over his shoulder on the way out. Sehun hurried to comply – he was supposed to be going to the gym with Tao in a few hours, but his dad was in an unusually good mood and he wasn’t about to ruin that. 

“Where’s mum?”

“She wasn’t feeling well.”

“She go to Aunt Soyeon’s again?”

“You know what she’s like – fucking women and their fucking chatter. She’ll come home when she’s done being a whiney bitch.”

“Yeah...”

 

*

 

After nearly a week in the hospital Kyungsoo realised he’d have to pick his battles. He couldn’t keep everything secret and expect no one to start prying – so he decided to let them know some things, let them win some battles so that they’d think he was getting better and let him go at his ‘own pace’. He’d let them think he was opening up whilst in reality he was shutting down, and eventually they would leave him alone. They would give up. Forget. 

They were ecstatic when he asked them if he could see Jongin ( _Jongin_  was ecstatic. And scared. And he felt sick. Kyungsoo hadn’t expected him to come. In the end, Jongin didn’t.) and that placated them for a while. It gave him a few more days to prepare himself, and then he asked to see Luhan. He knew he wouldn’t come. He had doubted Jongin would, but he  _knew_  Luhan wouldn’t. But even the slightest possibility had him curling in on himself in fear. For days he couldn’t shake the feeling, but eventually he made himself – he’d realised that the two people most considered his best friends wouldn’t visit him in hospital, and that was suspicious. So he asked for Baekhyun, and Baekhyun came. 

The first visit hadn’t lasted long – Baekhyun had crushed him in a hug upon seeing him, causing him a huge amount of pain due to his broken ribs and lacerated spleen (he’d cursed Baekhyun to hell and back in his mind) and causing the white coats to up the dosage of his pain killers until he was gently falling asleep. It had also revealed to himself and his doctors alike that he  _could_  make noise – such as a rather loud shriek of pain – simply not words, and ‘currently not voluntarily’; like they believed he’d be able to again one day. He hadn’t wanted to think about it – which wasn’t a difficult task as he was out so quickly after the epiphany. On the second visit Baekhyun had been a lot more sheepish.

Baekhyun talked and talked and filled the silence, and Kyungsoo took comfort in it. He knew that Baekhyun was simply trying to distract him, but he didn’t care. In fact, no – he appreciated it. Because unlike everyone else, he wasn’t trying to get him to talk; he had more than enough to say for both of them. It didn’t stay that way for long though – Chanyeol had been visiting regularly since Kyungsoo had been admitted, but now he was  _always_  there. And Kyungsoo wasn’t stupid – he knew his brother was waiting; waiting for him to say something. Baekhyun picked up on this and started speaking less, which infuriated Kyungsoo. He needed someone to fill that silence for him now. They got into arguments over of it, he and Chanyeol, as much as one could get into arguments with someone who was mute. One time Chanyeol had pettily resorted to hiding Kyungsoo’s marker pen from him, and Kyungsoo had responded by throwing the whiteboard at him. 

Yet despite all of this, it was the most Kyungsoo had interacted with his brother – interacted with anyone – since that night. And he felt good – or better, at least – knowing he had these people in his life. Kyungsoo counted it as progress. When Chanyeol and Baekhyun were about to leave one afternoon Kyungsoo scrawled something on his whiteboard.

‘COULD YOU BRING ME MY GUITAR?’

Baekhyun beamed at him and nodded, and after a beat Chanyeol did the same. It gave Chanyeol hope, however little. Although less remained when he came across the lyrics on Kyungsoo’s bedside table a few days later.

 

_The words I need to say_

_Have escaped my grasp, again._

_The words I need to hear,_

_Are not those I want – let’s make that clear._

 

_Oh I’m a little, oh I’m a little bit lost._

_Oh I’m a little, oh I’m a little bit lost._

 

_In time I’ll see the mistakes_

_I could have prevented, again._

_But time can’t unsee what you saw,_

_Undo what they did, or win battles lost._

 

_Oh I’m a little, oh I’m a little bit scared._

_Oh I’m a little, oh I’m a little bit scared._

 

_You presume you know everything,_

_And I’ll let you judge me again._

_Just take, without second thought,_

_All the things I can’t give anymore._

 

_Oh I’m a little, oh I’m a little bit tired._

_Oh I’m a little, oh I’m a little bit tired._

 

_Tell me what did you think_

_When you knew the truth? Did it benefit you?_

_But this story is mine:_

_I’ll choose how to write it, and where to tell lies._

 

_Oh I’m a little, oh I’m a little bit lost._

_Oh I’m a little, oh I’m a little bit scared._

_Oh I’m a little, oh I’m a little bit tired._

_Words mean so little, when what you lived for has died._

 

_I’m a little bit scared, again._

_I’m a little bit tired, my friend._

_I’m a little bit lost._

_I am so very lost again._

 

_*_

 

Luhan stood outside the hospital for what must have been the sixth time that week. Kyungsoo had asked for him. He was too angry and too scared to go in, and Kyungsoo knew this yet he wanted to see him. Luhan was too confused to go in as well. And hurt. Far, far too hurt.

 

*

 

“You know you can’t just stand there staring all day – either come in, or someone’s gonna kick you out.”

Jongin jerked as the voice sounded behind him – he’d been standing down the hall from Kyungsoo’s hospital room for nearly an hour now, just watching the door open and close as hospital staff came and went – and guiltily turned around to face its owner.

“I can’t go in Chanyeol, not right now. I can’t go see him,” he confessed. 

“Why the hell not?” Chanyeol demanded, and Jongin wasn’t surprised at the outrage in his tone – he knew what a horrible friend it made him. 

‘ _Because he doesn’t want me to,’ his mind cried._ “Because... I just can’t,” his voice faltered. Jongin hated lying, and because of this he wasn’t very good at it. So instead, he bent the truth. “He wouldn’t want me to see him like this.” Or any other way.

“He asked for you to come.” Chanyeol sounded angry, and Jongin winced. Chanyeol didn’t like being lied  _to_. 

“I don’t want to see him like this.”

Apparently Chanyeol liked that even less; his jaw tightening and fists clenching at his sides. But eventually he relaxed, and the sigh Jongin received told him that Chanyeol understood. Chanyeol believing him made him feel horrible. It being true made him feel even worse.

“I’m worried about him,” Chanyeol admitted quietly.

“We all are.”

“No, you don’t understand.” Chanyeol sounded as conflicted as Jongin felt. “He won’t tell anyone what happened Jongin.” Chanyeol sounded as defeated as Jongin felt. Jongin felt guilt fill the cracks in between. He knew what happened.

“He physically can’t,” he whispered. Kyungsoo’s recent mutism wasn’t something they talked about. The whole topic of Kyungsoo wasn’t something he talked about.

“He could write it down! Or type it out! Or-” Chanyeol floundered for the words, “mime it! I don’t care, as long as he tells someone. It doesn’t even matter who anymore!” and then he paused, and looked to Jongin. Jongin’s stomach dropped. “ _You_  could try-”

“If he doesn’t want to talk about it I’m not going to force him to,” he cut Chanyeol off before he could even suggest it. 

Chanyeol jerked back, offended; “I’m not forcing him to do anything.”

“Not for lack of trying.”

There was that tightening jaw again.

“It’d be healthier for him to talk about it,” Chanyeol argued, struggling to keep his calm.

“You don’t know that,” Jongin insisted right back. 

“Well how the fuck could it harm him? Look, maybe he’d be more comfortable talking to you because you’re not, like, family or something. Maybe he just doesn’t want family to know.”

Jongin heard the words and knew Chanyeol was clutching at straws, and that a good friend would let him; play along and talk him out of it gently. 

“And you wouldn’t expect me to tell you if I did manage to find anything?”

But he’d already established that he wasn’t a good friend. 

“I need to know if he’s coping Jongin.”

“Then ask him if he’s coping.”

And even then, it wasn’t Chanyeol he wanted to be a good friend to.

“You and I both know he’d lie through his teeth to a question like that.”

“Yet he’d be truthful if we pried where he clearly doesn’t want us to?”

He needed to be a good friend to Kyungsoo now.

“At least then he’d be talking about it!”

“Justify it however you want – I won’t be a part of it.”

He needed to make up for all that he’d done wrong.

“Some friend you are. Do you care about him at all?”

“You care for him your way; I’m going to respect his decision.”

Even if nothing would ever make up for how much he’d betrayed him, he would try. He had to try. He repeated this in his head as he watched Chanyeol leave.

 

*

 

“Stop being such a little fag – there’s fuck all to cry about.” – Sehun. Luhan flinched at the words.

“Sorry.”

“Yo, Sehun! You almost done? The movie’s starting soon!” – one of Sehun’s friends called through the stall door. Luhan remembered his name was Zitao.

“Yeah, out in a sec – Luhan’s having a panic attack.”

“Shit man, is he okay?”

“Yeah, he has them sometimes – it’s nothing major. I can deal.”

“Alright, if you’re sure. I’ll save you both a seat!”

“You do that.”

When Sehun turned back, he saw Luhan huddled in the corner of the toilet cubicle, wiping frantically at his face. He sighed.

“Come on Lu, you’re better than this,” he soothed gently, a tired smile playing on his lips as he stroked his fingers down the side of Luhan’s face.

“I know, I just-”

Whatever he’d been about to say was cut short as Sehun pressed his lips to his. It was harsher than the fingers now cupping his jaw, but compared to what Luhan was used to it was terribly soft. Sehun chuckled when he felt Luhan cling to him.

“Freaking adorable.”

Luhan grinned at him giddily, and Sehun smiled back.

“I love you.”

“Hm,” another kiss, “I know you do Lu baby,” then another, before something caught Sehun’s eye and he frowned. Luhan knew instantly what it was.

“I can cover it up – it’ll only take me a minute to.”

Sehun nodded, muttering curses under his breath. “I’m so sorry baby.”

“It’s fine, really. It was a mistake and I know you won’t do it again. I trust you, Sehun.”

“Good. Go cover it up again then, yeah? I’ll meet you inside. Tao better have saved us those seats.” 

A nod, another kiss, then Sehun was gone and Luhan found himself in front of yet another mirror.

 

*

 

Jongin was at the hospital again. He’d been coming daily, but never went inside Kyungsoo’s room. Recently, he’d started noticing Luhan lingering in the parking lot. One day he approached him.

“Luhan.”

“Jongin?”

“Yeah,” and suddenly Jongin didn't know how to do this. He paused. Could he? – “How are you?” – no. He was pathetic.

“What? Oh, um, I’m fine. Good. I’m good.” Luhan wasn’t meeting his eye.

“Yeah? That’s... good.”

Jongin didn't know if he knew, but Luhan was his friend too and he couldn’t risk it. Not even for Kyungsoo. It took him all of three seconds to blurt out what he as wanting to say.

“If he’s hurting you-”

“He’s not,” the words were sharp, Luhan’s demeanour changing quicker than he could track. He held his gaze now, and although Jongin could still see the fear there, he could also see something ugly lurking beneath and it terrified them. Luhan was defending Sehun, because an answer like that suggested he knew what Jongin was talking about. It also suggested that he most definitely  _was_  hurting him.

He started to plead; “Luhan, he-”

Luhan stopped him: “Mention this again and I won’t hesitate to tell everyone what happened.”

Jongin’s blood ran cold. Luhan most definitely knew. He broke the silence before it could shake him anymore.

“That would ruin Sehun.”

“It would ruin Kyungsoo.”

Luhan had him. He couldn’t break his promise.

“We forget about everything,” Luhan rushed, gaze falling away from his again. “Including this conversation.”

Jongin swallowed the bile rising in his throat.

“What conversation?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - homophobic slurs, implied domestic violence.
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


	7. Your Doll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click below for trigger warnings

 

 

* * *

**December 5** **th** **2015**

* * *

 

 

Baekhyun stared at the words before him – lyrics he didn’t want to know the music to – before crumbling the paper up in rage and hurling it at the bin. A few minutes later he was picking it back up, smoothing out the creases and stumbling over apologies under his breath. Eventually, he folded it into a small square and put it in his pocket.

He’d been doing this same thing for just over a week now – a tradition of sorts. He’d found the paper the previous Monday, stuffed roughly through his letter box. Luhan’s handwriting was messy, but recognisable.

 

_Dress me in red and then lay me down again to sleep._

_These troubles, are they worth the secrets that you keep?_

_Dress me in blue; feel the skin gentling beneath your hands._

_On this night do I make you feel like a man?_

_Dress me in green; see the envy dancing behind your eyes,_

_As you find new ways to remind me of what’s no longer mine._

_Dress me in gold put me on a pedestal once more:_

_See if you can tear me down quicker than before._

 

_Dress me in red again._

_Dress me in blue. Dress me in green._

_Dress me in red again._

_Dress me in gold. I’ll do as I’m told._

 

_Your little doll – that’s all I am._

_Come play with me. Come play with me._

_I have clever hands, though my mouth doesn’t open._

_I shall not speak; not one little peep._

 

_Dress me in red - leave me to shiver in growing pools._

_I’m troubled only when I have to play the fool._

_Dress me in blue; mould me however you choose._

_On this night I have nothing of mine left to lose._

_Dress me in green; watch me shy away from strangers,_

_The very ones who used to keep me out of danger._

_Dress me in gold put me on a pedestal once more:_

_See if you can tear me down quicker than before._

 

_Dress me in red again._

_Cover me in bruises. Watch my every move._

_Dress me in blood again._

_But say you’ll love me, I’m fine if you love me._

 

_Your little doll – I’ll do what I can_

_To entertain you. I’ll entertain you._

_I have pliable flesh, that will let you enter_

_Whenever you please – as long as you want me._

 

_Your little doll, that_ _’_ _s all I am, that_ _’_ _s all I am._

_Come play with me. Please don_ _’_ _t hurt me._

_Dress me in bruises, dress me in blood - paint me red again._

_I shall not speak, as long as you love me._

 

_Dress me in gold put me on a pedestal once more..._

 

He’d cried when he’d read it the first time, and the next few times after that. Then he began to question – why was Luhan asking for his help  _ now? _ That is, if that was what he was doing. Surely it had to be. What else could it be? Baekhyun couldn’t think of anything. He had spent months trying to reach out to Luhan, only to be shunned at every turn – aggressively in some instances – and  _ now _ he wanted his help? Of course he wouldn’t decline it; couldn’t decline it, even if they weren’t friends anymore, but how? How could he help? He didn’t know what to do, and he was terrified. He still remembered Sehun’s face when he’d noticed the attention he was giving Luhan. Sehun was volatile and Baekhyun was scared for his own safety, as well as Luhan’s. He still remembered the limp Luhan had walked with for a week afterwards. Baekhyun couldn’t get him hurt again.

But he was asking for help! He was reaching out and Baekhyun couldn’t let him fall, could he?

Then, he remembered why he’d stopped trying to help Luhan – remembered the cold, viscous words the boy was capable of. He remembered how he directed them at the one boy who couldn’t attack back, and how Kyungsoo flinched at every syllable. No, Baekhyun owed Luhan nothing. He could help, should help, but... he didn’t know if he would. Maybe if he knew how to. If he couldn’t tell anyone – and he couldn’t, because telling would mean revealing things about Kyungsoo that his friend wasn’t ready to let people know – then what else could he do? Could he help Luhan leave? Stand with him as he told Sehun to go? Would that stop Sehun? Would he simply hurt Baekhyun too?

Would Luhan even be willing to leave?

 

_I’m fine if you love me._

 

Baekhyun wasn’t convinced he would.

Still, shouldn’t he at least try? If he wasn’t willing to help, then Luhan wouldn’t do a thing – he was sure of that much. What Luhan needed – what everyone needed – was for someone to take Sehun away. But he couldn’t do that without telling someone, so what the hell was he supposed to do?

Baekhyun didn’t know. He’d been asking himself this for a week now, and he just didn’t know. In fact, the more he thought about it, the less inclined he was to even try. He didn’t know how to help, so he just... didn’t.

 

*

 

Chanyeol was aware of someone trying to talk to him, but he wasn’t quite taking in the words. He caught pieces – enough to terrify him further – but nothing solid. A part of him wanted to strike out at the voice, but the rest of him knew not to.

He was walking somewhere. The voice was following him; frantic. It was telling him to stop. Chanyeol kept walking, the rage boiling inside him. Eventually, the voice disappeared.

Chanyeol knew where he was going. Chanyeol knew what he was doing. He kept the rage bubbling.

 

*

 

Baekhyun was struggling. He had been on his way to see Luhan – to ask him how he could help or return the lyrics which now haunted him, he wasn’t sure – and he’d been readying himself for whatever he may have seen upon opening that door. He’d convinced himself he could handle whatever he saw. But he couldn’t. He hadn’t prepared himself to witness not Sehun, but his own boyfriend being the force of violence present – not hurting an innocent, but killing a monster. For a second, he marvelled at the brutality of it all, and revelled in what he could only see as justice being dealt. Then one particular punch caused Sehun to bite through his lip and Baekhyun screamed. It was only then that he noticed the sound being mirrored across from him. He looked up to see Luhan, staring back at him; staring at the paper in his hands and then to Chanyeol. Baekhyun saw the thought process going through Luhan’s head; saw the look of betrayal sweep over his features – wanted to stop him, tell him it wasn’t what it looked like, that however it seemed he didn’t want this either – but he couldn’t find his voice, and as soon as it was there the moment had passed. Then Luhan was back to screaming and trying to pull Chanyeol off Sehun – Baekhyun dove forward to help.

“Let go! Chanyeol! Let him go!”

Chanyeol barely heard Baekhyun as he screamed, or felt the hands that tried to pull him away. Sehun didn’t look like he was conscious anymore. Baekhyun was vaguely aware of movement in the corner of his eye – a boy, trying to reach the phone without being seen: Tao. Baekhyun reached for his mobile and threw it to him. It was only as Tao was talking rapidly down the line that Baekhyun realised the boy was naked. He looked down to see Luhan and Sehun were the same. Luhan’s skin was covered in bruises. His thighs were streaked in blood. 

Baekhyun stopped trying to pull Chanyeol away.

He couldn’t distinguish between relief and defeat when the police arrived.

 

*

 

Sehun stared at the wall before him – he was in a room somewhere he didn’t know – before shutting his eyes and slumping back into the bed he was tucked into. A few minutes later he was sitting up again, despite the pain and monitors both screeching at him not to. He realised he was in a hospital. White walls...

Hospitals held bad memories, if he was honest with himself. He decided to rest back on the bed when his ribs started seizing up in pain. He wasn’t quite sure if it was real or simply him remembering.

As he calmed himself down, he started to recall the series of events that had landed him in hospital. He forced down the terror, and the second someone came through his door (his doctor, he later discovered) he asked them where Luhan and Tao were – if they were okay. She told him they were fine; that neither had been hurt as far as they were aware, but that Luhan had run off – Sehun assured her they boy would come to visit. She asked if he could remember what had happened. He answered yes. She asked if he knew who had assaulted him. Yes, he answered. She asked if he knew why. _Yes._  He answered no.

She left when Tao came to see him. His friend sat in the chair next to the bed and panicked until Sehun kicked him out, but it didn’t help. Sehun knew things would go downhill from then on. His mind spiralled out of control as he waited for Luhan – if Chanyeol knew, which was the only logical explanation, then everyone would. Sehun wondered how he found out. If it had been Baekhyun or Jongin who had finally cracked and told him. He assumed Jongin. Baekhyun had worked it out himself – Sehun decided it was entirely possible that Kyungsoo didn’t even know Baekhyun knew, so by that logic Baekhyun wouldn’t have been obliged to keep it to himself. But he had, and that spoke volumes. No, Sehun doubted it was Baekhyun who had told Chanyeol.

It must have been Jongin. Of course it had been Jongin. Even when they had been friends Jongin had been weak. He did anything Sehun told him to, but unlike Luhan who just took it Jongin winged and whined like a brat. Sehun felt anger trickle through his veins like adrenaline. Jongin would pay for this. He could scare him – stop him from telling anyone else. Chanyeol would be charged with assault, of a police chief’s son no less – no court would take his word as truth. Baekhyun would keep his mouth shut as long as Kyungsoo did... Yes, this was salvageable. He could get himself out of this yet. He had a nurse send Tao back in and told him to go visit Jongin and then, exhausted, he slept. The nurse promised to wake him when Luhan came.

Yet it wasn’t the nurse who woke him. Instead, it was his phone ringing on his bedside table. He answered it to screams from the other end of _‘everything’s a mess – he’s on the floor – his skin is yellow – there’s shit coming out of his mouth – he’s not moving – why isn’t he moving – he’s not doing anything – he won’t wake up – he’s not breathing – Sehun I think he’s dead!’_ Sehun had screamed back to call an ambulance and not him, and then hung up. He stared at the walls for a while; processing. He didn’t know why – out of everything that had happened, everything that he had done – that this was the thing that tipped him, but it was. He was sorry, he was sorry every time, but this... He disgusted himself. He would grovel when Luhan got there.

His parents visited in the evening. His mother sat there, holding his hand and smiling sadly as his father ranted and raved on about he’d make sure _‘this Chanyeol scumbag’_ was locked away for as long as humanly possible. He followed this with a hideously crude description of just what Chanyeol would go through in jail. Sehun felt sick, so he tuned it out. When they were leaving, he confessed.

“I raped Do Kyungsoo.”

His mother had looked disappointed but not surprised – _like she had expect it._ Sehun tried not to react to the revelation. His father had frozen, back to him. When he turned he _had_ looked shocked. He asked Sehun to repeat himself, and he did. Then he snarled and told him never to say it again. Sehun told him he was going to confess and his father slapped him across the mouth. When his mother had reach out to him his father backhanded her across the room. No one was allowed to tarnish the Oh family name, even if it was already black.

They left, and Sehun waited. He waited for Tao to tell him news of Jongin. He waited for someone to come and take him away to be locked up for good. He waited for his mother to sneak in to see if he was alright like she used to when he was little, but hadn’t since she started seeing his father in him. He waited for Chanyeol to sneak in and finish the job.

He waited for Luhan.

Sehun didn’t know when he fell asleep, but when he woke in the middle of the night from possibly the worst nightmare he had ever had – he decided it would be best if Luhan didn’t come to see him; if he never saw him again. Because he could handle becoming his father – he wouldn’t lie and say he wasn’t already his father’s son – but he couldn’t let Luhan become his mother.

 

*

 

“It’s all your fault!”

Kyungsoo froze as he felt the heat flare across his cheek, face turned with the force of it, and stared up in shock at the distressed boy before him.

“He’s not like that! You seduced him, didn’t you?” Luhan was screaming now, clenched fists shaking at his sides and jaw quivering as he instinctively tried to hold back tears. Before Kyungsoo could move from his frozen state, Baekhyun had barrelled around the corner – clearly having heard the commotion. He was on them and in Luhan’s space in seconds.

“He’s a rapist and you think it’s Kyungsoo’s fault? You think he seduced him? Are you _f_ _ucking psychotic?_ ” he spat, as if the words were venom on his tongue. They might as well have been, as far as Baekhyun was concerned.

“He is not a rapist!” Luhan screeched back. Kyungsoo felt like his eardrums were bleeding, but that was far from the worst of his problems then. 

“This slut seduced him!”

Luhan was pointing at him; finger thrust accusing in his direction.

“He wanted it!”

His words hurt.

“Sehun wouldn’t have strayed from me otherwise.”

People were looking.

“I’m **all he needs**.”

Too many people.

“Is that why he forced Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo wanted Baekhyun to stop talking.

“Is that why he hit him? _Hurt him?_ ”

But he was still frozen; eyes wide and struggling to breathe.

“Is that why he made him mute?”

Everyone was staring at him and Kyungsoo wanted them to leave, he wanted everyone to look away and leave.

“Get over yourself Luhan. Sehun is sick in the head and you’re fucking crazy for thinking anything different.”

“He can be better! Everyone makes mistakes!” 

“You think this was a mistake?” Baekhyun was roaring now; far louder than Luhan, who had trailed off towards the end of his last words. Kyungsoo wanted to disappear. He would have left if he could.

“He knew fine well what he was doing,” Baekhyun continued, volume only increasing. “He fucking planned it! Clearly you weren’t nearly enough for his twisted little fantasies if he had to take such a sweet, caring, innocent boy and _break him!_ ” 

That hurt Kyungsoo; knowing Baekhyun thought he was broken. He supposed he was though.

But Kyungsoo wasn’t the person Baekhyun wanted to hurt – “I bet you were there when it happened.” Baekhyun knew this wasn’t true, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. “I bet you watched and didn’t do a thing to help.” He wanted to make Luhan suffer the way he had let Kyungsoo suffer. “You knew, and yet you sat back and did  _ nothing! _ ” He wanted to make him cry and he wanted it to be  **loud.**

 

“ _He was only meant to hurt me!”_

 

And it was loud.

The silence that followed was louder. Painful, even to those accustomed to it. Kyungsoo felt like he was suffocating as he let the words sink in. He had known – of course he had known – but to hear Luhan admit it out loud was horrifying. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t calm down enough for his lungs to stop seizing.

It took Luhan all of five seconds to realise what he had said. When he did, he broke down into the noiseless cries of someone who knew how to hide. He sank to the ground as the tears streamed down his face, and the silence stretched on. Kyungsoo was certain he would suffocate. There were too many eyes. Baekhyun’s were currently softening as he watched a boy he’d once called a friend break further than ever before in front of him; as he remembered he had failed to save him too, and his fingers itched to feel the paper in his pocket. Yet his gaze hardened again when he heard Kyungsoo let out a small, choked sound. It drew Baekhyun’s attention to him, and consequently the handprint on his face. Before the silence could once again silence them, Baekhyun turned to Luhan and spoke. His voice was calm and cold and more terrifying than any of his yelling had been.

“Get out.”

Luhan whimpered – a pathetic noise that jogged too many memories in Kyungsoo’s mind – and let himself be escorted out of sight. For a while, no one moved. Kyungsoo flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder. One by one, the onlookers disappeared until it was just Kyungsoo, Baekhyun and the officer who had led them into the station.

“Are you alright?” came hesitantly from said officer’s lips; the same moment that Baekhyun muttered a tired apology. Kyungsoo nodded to both. When the officer moved to lead him to a room to take his statement, he followed without fuss – he just wanted this to be over with. Wanted everything to be over with. 

He’d kept quiet for too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - domestic abuse, assault, victim blaming, discussion of rape
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


	8. The Truth About Fairytales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click below for trigger warnings

 

* * *

**October 31** **st** **2015**

* * *

 

Luhan wanted to cry. The make-up wasn’t working. He could still see everything. Granted, he was looking for it, but it was so obvious to him. Sehun wanted them to go to a party tonight – some Halloween party held by some girl – and it couldn’t be obvious. Luhan didn’t want to go; Kyungsoo’s band would be playing, but as Sehun pointed out he couldn’t just show up by himself. Luhan stared at the mirror for a few seconds longer, and then began to apply another layer of concealer.

 

*

 

“Um, hi,” Baekhyun began, a nervous quiver in his voice made more obvious by the microphone. He glanced to his bandmates for encouragement, and received somewhat bemused smiles – they weren’t used to seeing Baekhyun this self-conscious. “We’re Knights in Shining Armour, and we’ll be playing a few songs for you tonight. We’re gonna start with a song which was originally meant to be two songs. Kyungsoo” – he gestures to Kyungsoo – “and Jongin” – and then Jongin – “both wrote separate songs, but neither seemed quite, well, finished. We worked on them for a while together, before we realised they each essentially had the same chord progression despite being in different keys and- well, I won’t bore you with the technical stuff. To make it short, this song is a story of two people forced together, each telling their own story. It’s called ‘The Truth of the Fairytale’... or ‘A Fairytale’s Reality’, we’ve not really settled on a name yet but it’ll be one of the tw- ...Okay, I’m being glared at by our guitarist and laughed at by my boyfriend so I’m just gonna stop talking now. Right...” Baekhyun trailed off, blushing furiously and turned to his bandmates, asking in a meek voice “Ready?”

Chanyeol counted them in. The music began, then Jongin started to sing. His voice steadily grew in confidence as he became accustomed to singing to an audience that wasn’t just the band – singing the part he had written; the part Baekhyun had dubbed the ‘hero’ in his medley of the two songs. Kyungsoo closed his eyes and let the smooth simplicity of his voice move him. Baekhyun himself then followed – singing the part Kyungsoo had written, and what he had amusingly named ‘the don in distress – y’know, since I ain’t no dame!’ Chanyeol found it hilarious when Baekhyun said so. Jongin and Kyungsoo pretend to.

 

_I can’t promise you I’ll let you go_

_(There are things that I cannot say,)_

_But I promise that I’ll try,_

_(Though I try I remain silent still._

_I will not cry.)_

_As long as you promise that you know_

_(Yet you know what I want from you)_

_I can never say goodbye._

_(Never say what you know to be true._

_Don’t you dare tell me you won’t stay.)_

 

_Can’t go on when you’re like this._

_(We’re the stains on your paling skin.)_

_Stuck still watching your distress._

_(Open your veins and let us in.)_

_So I beg you, let me help._

_(Coursing through your cooling blood,)_

_Use your voice for me._

_(Until you crave us like a drug.)_

_Are you hearing what I say?_

_(Yes, I know that you’re afraid)_

_Or are you running away?_

_(Of all the things you might have made,)_

_If I reach you_

_(But you are cornered now)_

_Can I save you still?_

_(And there is no escape from this.)_

_No?_

 

_Listen to the voice inside your head,_

_(I’m listening – all I hear is you.)_

_You might find, things you never knew._

_(You know now what you should have done then._

_Will you not cry?)_

 

_But please, before your sight goes cherry red,_

_(Let me go; let me fade away.)_

_Make sure it will let go of you._

_(Can’t you see I’m aching to be free._

_Don’t you dare tell me I must stay.)_

 

_Can’t go on when you’re like this._

_(We’re the stains on your paling skin.)_

_Stuck still watching your distress._

_(Open your veins and let us in.)_

_So I beg you, let me help._

_(Coursing through your cooling blood,)_

_Use your voice for me._

_(Until you crave us like a drug.)_

_Are you hearing what I say?_

_(Yes, I know that you’re afraid)_

_Or are you running away?_

_(Of all the things you might have made,)_

_If I reach you_

_(But you are cornered now)_

_Can I save you still?_

_(And there is no escape from this.)_

_No..._

 

_Kiss me quiet on cough-stained lips,_

_As sinful hands stray to yearning hips._

_My poisons flow from head to toe,_

_From me to you – will never let you go._

_(Bloody roses blossom wild,_

_Their leaves torn and their thorns defiled,_

_Tainting black your childlike mind;_

_Such virgin petals are left behind.)_

 

_Can’t go on when you’re like this._

_(We’re the stains on your paling skin.)_

_Stuck still watching your distress._

_(Open your veins and let us in.)_

_So I beg you, let me help._

_(Coursing through your cooling blood,)_

_Use your voice for me._

_(Until you crave us like a drug.)_

_Are you hearing what I say?_

_(Yes, I know that you’re afraid)_

_Or are you running away?_

_(Of all the things you might have made,)_

_If I reach you_

_(But you are cornered now)_

_I can't save you now._

_(And there is no escape from this.)_

 

As Baekhyun played the final note, the crowd burst into cheers. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but let a small smile show onto his face, and looking around the band he could see they were all trying to contain their own smiles too (aside from Chanyeol, who was like an open book; currently sporting a grin that looked as if it should split his face in half). For a while, he let the fact that he could still make others smile sink in – that he could do good.

The good mood lasted for most of the night. People complimented the band, complimented his writing, complimented his determination to stick to what he loved despite his ‘disadvantage’ (that had stung a bit, but less than it had used to and he had managed a smile easily enough). He started to let loose a little – started to relax in his skin. He didn’t touch the alcohol – he never would again – but still, he was having fun. Some of the smiles were genuine.

That’s when he noticed Luhan – he was involved in what appeared to be a heated discussion with Jongin, growing noticeably distressed as Jongin began to shrink away. Kyungsoo watched as Chanyeol and Baekhyun joined the pair, as well as another boy that Kyungsoo recognised all too well. He was suddenly very aware of how alone he was, and that he couldn’t see Sehun anywhere, but that if Luhan was here then Sehun had to be as well. He forced down the urge to run and therefore draw attention to himself, and instead forced his posture to appear relaxed and walked slowly to one of the bathrooms, where he proceeding to lock himself inside and hide in the bath.

 

*

 

“Well you must have said something!”

“I swear, Luhan, I didn’t!”

Luhan had felt eyes on him all night – it had made him twitch and burn with the want to run and hide somewhere, but he couldn’t do that because he would embarrass Sehun. Eventually he realised it had been Baekhyun shooting him glances and making him jumpy throughout the night, and he’d begun to panic. Baekhyun wouldn’t leave him alone recently and he didn’t know why because they hadn’t talked in months and Baekhyun had no reason to look at him like that.

Unless he knew. Jongin walked past him then and Luhan’s blood went cold as he considered the possibility of the boy telling someone. Telling Baekhyun. He’d quietly left Sehun’s side – he was busy talking with Yifan and Tao anyway, so was unlikely to notice when he had more important things to pay attention to – and hauled Jongin off to the side. Yet no matter how much he pressed, Jongin insisted he hadn’t said a word.

“Then why won’t he leave me alone?” Luhan all but sobbed. He was getting desperate.

“I don’t know, maybe because it’s hideously obvious to anyone who so much glances at you?!” Jongin snapped back at him; also reaching his limit.

“No it’s not! No, it’s not! Take it back. Nothing’s happening. Nothing’s going on. People aren’t noticing anything because there is nothing to notice.”

“Okay, fine, fine! It’s not! But we _know_ you Luhan. Baekhyun knows you. Of course someone was going to notice.”

“But... but he doesn’t know. He- He might just think-”

“Luhan, that’s not-”

“Hey Luhan, long time no see!”

Jongin jumped as Chanyeol’s bright smile peaked around from behind him, clearly startling Luhan as well. However, when he followed Luhan’s line of sight he saw that he was in fact staring at the other person who had appeared behind him.

“Hey, Luhan. How you doing?” Baekhyun asked gently. Jongin could see the tension coiling inside Luhan as if he was purposely exaggerating the movement, and he wondered then how more people hadn’t noticed anything.

“You seem a bit tense,” Chanyeol added off-handedly. Luhan offered a frighteningly convincing smile, and Jongin began to understand how practiced Luhan would be with his act.

“I’m not really one for parties.”

“He never has been, ain’t that right Lu?”

Jongin almost missed the slight flinch travelling through Luhan’s frame as a boy – Tao, Jongin recalled – casually slung an arm around his shoulder. He would have, if he hadn’t been looking for it. He glanced around to realise Baekhyun had been looking for it too.

“Yeah – Sehun and Zitao here are trying to encourage me to go out more,” Luhan agreed, voice quiet but steady. Nothing like how he had been speaking to Jongin only minutes prior.

“Where is Sehun by the way – the two of you are normally joined at the him, and I need to ask him about a project due next week,” Chanyeol asked, likely the only one oblivious to the nature of this encounter. Luhan noticed and used it to his advantage.

“I don’t know actually – I nipped away to use the bathroom and then bumped into Jongin. Last I knew he was talking to Zitao and Yifan.” He glanced to Tao then. “Please say he didn’t get worried and go looking for me – I’ve only been gone for a few minutes.” Luhan’s tone was light; teasing – but the question was genuine, if slightly disguised. Jongin managed read between the lines: _‘Please say he didn’t notice that I left. He doesn’t need to worry about me fucking up.’_

“We all were, actually. You shouldn’t just wander off without telling anyone Luhan – especially when you don’t know as many people here as we do,” Tao teased back. Jongin had no trouble seeing the real meaning behind the words this time – _‘Sehun knows everyone here – don’t think you can escape just like that, without permission: we’ll find you easily.’_ Luhan gave an apologetic smile.

“Sorry.”

Luhan and Tao quickly said their goodbyes, before Tao steered the smaller away from them and presumably back to Sehun. Jongin looked to Baekhyun and saw a mixture of anger and confusion written across his face. Jongin wasn’t confused though, and he wasn’t even angry – even if he wanted to be. Jongin just felt defeated.

 

*

 

Luhan was a lot more perceptive than people gave him credit for. He’d noticed Kyungsoo out of the corner of his eye – had been noticing him all night – when he had in turn noticed him. He’d noticed as Kyungsoo left to the bathroom, and had kept one eye on it for the rest of the night, waiting for him to come out. He didn’t.

Sehun was well past drunk now, and although Zitao and Yifan were nowhere near as bad he doubted they’d notice his absence much. Still, he wasn’t about to try to sneak off undetected again, so he quietly told Yifan – the most sober and least likely to stop him – that he was going to the bathroom. Yifan just nodded and turned back to the game of beer pong he and Tao had started, and Luhan quickly made his way to the bathroom Kyungsoo had disappeared into hours ago. He knocked on the door. No response, obviously.

“Kyungsoo?” he called out quietly. “It’s Luhan. We need to talk.” He waited patiently, but when it became clear Kyungsoo wasn’t about to let him in he added, “If I stand around like this much longer, Sehun might notice.” Almost instantly he heard movement, and then the door was being held open and Kyungsoo was staring at him with wide eyes and waiting with restless hands on the door knob for him to come inside. He did, and Kyungsoo hurriedly shut and locked the door behind him. He then stood and stared at the door, refusing to turn around and look at Luhan. Luhan clenched his jaw.

“You guys were good. The... The songs – they’re really good. And you write most of them, yeah? It’s... you’re really good.” Luhan watched Kyungsoo – trying to see what affected his words were having on him, but the boy was so shut off that he couldn’t read anything. Luhan felt a pang of frustration as he realised that Kyungsoo could even hide better than he could.

“You need to stop, though. Not the band – I don’t give a fuck what you do with that – but with the songs. Yeah, people get you’re depressed, they get you write sad shit, they get you were assaulted and chalk everything up to that. But it’s so fucking obvious, I don’t... I don’t know how no one’s realised anything yet. I thought you didn’t want people to know. I thought you wanted to keep this a secret. Cause I’m keeping it a secret – I don’t have to; I owe you nothing **.** But I am. The least you could do is not fuck it up yourself. The lyrics are screaming everything you clearly want to so either man up and tell someone or stop it.”

Kyungsoo was staring back at him over his shoulder now – his own jaw and fists clenched, eyes unreadable. Luhan stared back, revelling in not being scared.

“I know you don’t want people to know. I don’t either so we’re on the same side here. You don’t want people to know that you fucking asked for it and I don’t want people to know I’m not enough.” Luhan was proud how he managed not to choke up on the words. “So are we in agreement? You’ll stop with your stupid little ‘look at me, I’m the victim’ songs, yeah? Because I can write songs too.”

Kyungsoo looked furious. He looked scared. Eventually, he nodded. Luhan nodded back and left. He and Sehun went to his house when Sehun started biting too hard at his neck. Kyungsoo didn’t leave the bathroom until everyone else had gone home.

 

*

 

“Ugh, fuck baby,” a voice groaned, matching body lifting from the quivering form beneath, before collecting clothing and leaving. Luhan winced when he heard the door slam. He knew not to move yet, despite his aching limbs begging him to. Carefully, he listened as Sehun staggered downstairs, spent an agonising fifteen minutes digging through the kitchen cupboards, and then, finally, left. The slam of the front door had him sagging into the mattress in relief. He stayed unmoving for a moment just to breathe, then rolled onto his side to curl into himself. He waited for the sobs to wrack his already quaking body. Reaching fingers down and behind himself, Luhan didn’t bat an eye when they returned with blood.

He stayed in that position until he heard a car pull into the driveway. The lock on the bathroom door clicked shut as the one on the front door opened.

“We’re home sweetheart,” he heard his mother call. Swallowing the pain held in his throat, he greeted them back and told them he would shower. Shutting himself within glass walls, he cleaned every inch of his skin and waited for the bleeding to stop. Then, with fingers so practiced that even their shaking wasn’t enough to stop them, he dismantled a disposable shaving razor and made himself bleed more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - domestic abuse, rape, self harm
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


	9. Say Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click below for trigger warnings

 

* * *

**December 22** ** nd  ** **2015**

* * *

 

_Watch as time past becomes now,_

_Without a sound._

_Hear all the words you can’t bring yourself to voice,_

_Yet there’s no silence in this noise._

 

Kyungsoo sighed as he put down his guitar. He had been visiting Jongin every day for over two weeks now, and still he showed no sign of waking. Kyungsoo was convinced that if he could just voice the lyrics to these songs he serenaded Jongin with each and every night - these songs he screamed in his own mind - he would somehow manage to bring back life to fingers and arms and smiling mouth. But he couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried – no matter how loudly he screamed them in his head – he could no longer convince himself that he was choosing to stay silent. He wanted to speak, to scream, sing! He had too many things to say now; too many things to confess. He wanted to tell Jongin about his worries, and about how everyone was trying to sort this mess, wanted to ask for his opinion on what they should do. He wanted to tell him he’d forgiven him, and that it wasn’t his fault – that none of this was. 

He had heard a joke the other day which he knew would make Jongin laugh, too. Small things.

He had denied Jongin the sound of his voice for so long, and now Jongin was denying him the sight of his smile, the sound of his laugh and his very life. He wanted to make Jongin laugh again. He wanted to hear him laugh. Because while Jongin wasn’t dead, everything that made him _him_ was. Even his face wasn’t his without his usual wry quirk gracing his lips – without Jongin’s eyes looking back into his. Kyungsoo wanted to see those eyes again. Even if they only held sadness now, overflowing with emotion, Kyungsoo wanted to see them open.

It had been nearly two months. Kyungsoo had thought he had survived for nearly six without him – yes, they had been together, but for all purposes Kyungsoo had cut Jongin out. He didn’t know how many months he had been letting him back in. That had been nothing – he still had Jongin when he had chosen to – but he knew what true loss felt like now. For weeks, he had known. Slowly but surely, Kyungsoo was losing hope. 

Jongin wasn’t dead, but this couldn’t be called living.

  
*

 

_Dreams were once kind, but now hurt._

_What is pride worth?_

_Days trundle on_ _–_ _whether you keep up with them_

_Is considered your problem._

 

Chanyeol barely knew how to function anymore. Everything he did, he did on autopilot. He ate, exercised, and slept. He tried – he tried so hard to be present for Kyungsoo and Baekhyun – but being present meant being wrapped in thoughts he didn’t want to face yet. In a reality he didn’t want to face. He knew he should be making the most of the time he had left now, but it was easier to drift – easer to barely function, easier not to think. 

He was scared. On one hand, he was sure prison couldn’t be as bad as everyone made out, but on the other he knew it would be so much worse. More than that, he was scared of the aftermath. He was scared of losing people. His parents already treated him differently. People he’d once called friends crossed the street to avoid him. Kyungsoo looked at him as if he held all the sorrow in the world. Part of him suspected Kyungsoo blamed him for Jongin. He knew he did. He couldn’t visit him. If he ignored it, he could pretend. He could choose not to notice as his world burned around him. 

He could choose not to notice as others drifted from him, too. 

  
*

 

_When broken promises are left to heal_

_Without a cast, they mend in crooked lines._

_So with scars we soldier on_ _–_ _refuse to feel_

_All the anger towards the wrongs we could not right._

 

A horrible thought gurgled below the surface of Kyungsoo’s mind then, a thought that had been plaguing him more and more often: Jongin would be better off dead. He forced it under as soon as it emerged, but it would not leave him – bobbing up, up with every drowning breath. Kyungsoo didn’t want Jongin to wake to this world – a world where Chanyeol would be locked away with Sehun. Kyungsoo knew Jongin would blame himself for that, since he was the one who had eventually told him the truth. In reality, it was Chanyeol’s fault for reacting violently. It was Kyungsoo’s fault for keeping it from him in the first place. It was Sehun’s fault. Sehun had deserved it, and more. Kyungsoo hoped he would come to suffer more. 

No, Kyungsoo didn’t want Jongin to wake up to this world. He deserved better than this dystopia where Baekhyun spoke nearly as little as Kyungsoo did, where Tao was spinning a story that portrayed him as another victim, where Luhan was still missing. 

 

It had been days now.

  
*

 

_See your acts as selfishness,_

_But is that what this is?_

_For it was I who refused to move forwards_

_And so was wounded by your words._

 

Baekhyun was visiting Chanyeol again. He was trying to stay optimistic – with more and more becoming clear each day (not to mention Sehun’s confession) their lawyer was hopeful for a sympathetic jury. Yet even then, Baekhyun couldn’t deny the facts: even with the most tearfully understanding judge and jury, Chanyeol was facing a charge of aggravated assault, and considering the extent of Sehun’s injuries… Baekhyun knew he would be lucky if he got under a year. 

But they could manage, Baekhyun reasoned. Yes, it would be a year out of Chanyeol’s education, a year away from his life, and Baekhyun would have to go to a university within driving distance if he wanted to visit regularly. Chanyeol would probably struggle to get into university with this mark on his record, not to mention how difficult it would be to find a job afterwards, and his dream of working with children was definitely out of the question. Children in general were probably out of the question - Baekhyun hadn’t really considered it before, but what if they wanted to adopt? It would probably be impossible. Travel, too, would be hindered, and they would have to be careful with where they chose to live – nowhere people would recognise them. He already knew he wanted away from this god awful city, this country, as soon as he could – wanted to put everything behind him and lock the door. He felt awful, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to be there for Kyungsoo if his friend wanted to stay here. Chanyeol and he could probably live abroad, if Chanyeol was able to travel. Or maybe Baekhyun only needed a break – a time away from it all – maybe he could study abroad and come back when he got his degree. He could write to Chanyeol instead of visiting. They could probably try long distance, if it was temporary. He could write to Kyungsoo too, and Jongin if he… Maybe Baekhyun could live abroad. He could probably study abroad, too. Both. He could probably leave soon.

“Breathe, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun smiled shakily at Chanyeol. It was probably best not to think about it now. Maybe he would later.

  
*

 

_When broken promises are left to heal_

_Without a cast, they mend in crooked lines._

_So with scars we soldier on_ _–_ _refuse to feel_

_All the anger towards the wrongs we could not right._

 

Thinking about Luhan hurt Kyungsoo almost as much as seeing Jongin this way. Talk of an investigation and potentially a trial had been cut short when, a week before Christmas, Sehun had produced a written confession admitting to the assault and rape of Do Kyungsoo on the 7th of July, 2015. Luhan had disappeared less than a day after, and a few days later Oh Sehun had confessed to the continuous assault, rape, emotional manipulation and blackmail of Lu Han over a period of nearly seven months. Baekhyun had cried when he found out, clutching desperately at a crumpled sheet of manuscript paper. Kyungsoo didn’t know what it was, but he it knew would give him nightmares. He had nightmares anyway. He cried, too – for every single wrong Luhan had suffered. It wasn’t his fault, what had happened to Luhan. It was no one’s fault but Sehun’s. Yet still, he regularly had to pull himself away from darker thoughts – thoughts that asked him if Luhan could have been spared it all had he just come forward. If he had been able to speak.

Thinking about Luhan hurt Kyungsoo almost as much as Sehun had, so he didn’t.

  
*

 

_I confess I’m still so very furious_

_But I’m not hopeless_ _–_ _I’ll fight, whatever the cost._

_So wake up now, take aim and strike this stalemate down._

_I feel, somehow, alive and I can’t let you go now_

_When we have finally won._

 

The longer Chanyeol looked at him, the less the words he was saying made sense. Which was good – he didn’t want to understand this. He said as much. Baekhyun smiled at him but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“You can’t just choose not to understand something Channie.”

But he would. He chose not to understand the words or the looks or the gentle kisses. He chose not to comprehend that Baekhyun looked like he hadn’t slept in days, or the fact he had been coming to see him less and less frequently. He didn’t acknowledge the lingering hands, shaking as they let go. He ignored the dampness on his cheeks and the shaking in his legs, even as they gave out under him. Chanyeol didn’t think he would have helped him up. Chanyeol didn’t blame him.

Baekhyun was gone before he could see him fall.

  
*

 

_When broken promises are left to heal_

_Without a cast, they mend in crooked lines._

_So with scars we soldier on_ _–_ _refuse to feel_

_All the anger towards the wrongs we could not right._

 

Kyungsoo thought about Sehun a lot. He couldn’t understand why. Why, after everything that had happened, he was the one who got to end it all – on his terms. Sehun was going away and that should have felt like a victory, but how could it when his own brother was going away with him? How could it feel like a victory when to all eyes Sehun looked at peace with his sentence, when Chanyeol looked so very terrified? How could it, when he could see Baekhyun pulling away each day – as he too lost his himself inside his own mind, lost any inclination to speak for fear of not being heard? When Luhan had left scared and frightened and alone, and thinking everyone hated and blamed him? (Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he forgave Luhan, but he would never blame him.) When Jongin wasn’t even there to see them ‘win’?

How could it feel like a victory when it had taken everyone he loved away from him?

  
*

 

_And in your memory I scream this song_

_For all the things that I have denied you,_

 

Sehun thought about Kyungsoo a lot. He thought about Chanyeol, Baekhyun, his mother, father, and Jongin. He thought about how much he had wronged them all. He thought about how nothing had changed him more than that night – how nothing had defined him more than who he had let himself become every day after. He had become his father. He refused to admit to himself that that wasn’t an excuse anymore – wasn’t even apt. He had become so much worse than his father. His father had shaped his childhood, and that would always affect him, but it was his own decisions that had made him into what he now was. He used to swear he would become the person to fight the monsters and to save people like his mother, like Kyungsoo. Instead, he had become another monster. He had become so much worse than his father – because he should have known better. He didn’t want to admit he could have become someone else if he had tried to. He should have known to save those he cared about, rather than destroy them. 

Sehun thought about Luhan.

  
*

 

_And although I can’t smile yet I soldier on_

_Because I know it’s what you_ _’_ _d want me to do._

 

Kyungsoo realised now that he should have ended it his way – should have screamed and screamed until someone had listened to him. However, he also knew that for all people begged him to speak – few heard what he had to say. Empty words met with his silence. That was his life now. Promises rattling in his eardrums to deafen him when broken. They were always broken. Empty promises, uttered from everyone’s lips. 

Sehun who once promised he loved him; Luhan who promised they would always be friends; Baekhyun who promised to speak enough for the both of them; Chanyeol who promised to always be there when he needed him; Jongin who promised likewise, who promised to protect him, who promised to help shoulder his secrets, who begged for his forgiveness and promised to wait by his side until he was granted it. Who everyone still told him loved him. Who no one truly believed would recover. 

  
*

 

_These lyrics are my voice and I’ll never hush,_

 

Sehun promised himself he would find Luhan again, one day. He would write to him explaining everything, or all that he could. He would let him know about his second confession, about how difficult it had been because hurting Luhan was the one thing he regretted most. 

  
*

 

_For even if I’m crying at least I can still sing._

 

Kyungsoo, who whispered promises inside his head, telling Jongin everything would be okay with clutching hands and guitar notes. 

  
*

 

_Now it’s me who asks - from all of us -_

 

He would write to him explaining he did love him. 

  
*

 

_Can’t you please just say something._

 

Telling him he loved him.

  
*

 

_Say something._

 

Apologising for not knowing how to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - assault, domestic abuse, discussion of rape, and attempted suicide
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


	10. Epilogue: This Is Nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click below for trigger warnings

 

* * *

**December 21 st, 2015**

* * *

 

Luhan looked out at the landscape around him, eyes travelling down to watch as one large expanse of blue merged with another. He’d always felt at ease near the ocean. That, at least, hadn’t changed.

Taking off his shoes and laying them next to his bag on the shore, he waded out until the water was brushing the bottom of his shorts. He resisted the urge to sit in the water, aware that this was the last pair of clean clothes he had with him (you couldn’t fit much in a back pack). Instead, he breathed. He soaked in the air around him, and for the first in a long time let his gaze fall to face his reflection – skin grey, eyes sunken, arms limp; looking so much healthier than he had in months. He looked at the boy standing there, a ghost of himself swaying translucent in the water. Somehow, that boy looked more solid that he did. He glanced up to the horizon again, wondering how he’d look when they found him. If they found him.

He stood in the water until his toes started to feel numb, and then drudged back to the shore. Sitting on the sand, he dug through his back to find the last of the food he’d brought with him. Eating it out of habit more than anything else, he pondered the idea of praying not to be found. He didn’t want to be – he wanted to disappear, wanted everyone to forget he’d existed in the first place. These few days alone had allowed him to think clearly for the first time in what felt like years, and he was ashamed. How could he ask to be loved when he had behaved so callously to others? Even though he’d started to understand why he could be seen as a victim, he couldn’t forgive his own actions, and a large part of him still felt that it was his fault. Maybe he deserved to be abandoned, pitied, and left alone. He didn’t think he deserved to be forgiven. Did he deserve to be loved?

He didn’t pray though. This past year had been proof that prayers weren’t answered, that any god didn’t care. He wasn’t that important. Instead, he brushed the crumbs from his legs and stood, squinting up into the sun at the surrounding cliffs. It’d be a simple enough climb, he reasoned, and he wanted to see the ocean from above. He’d have to leave now if he wanted to reach the highest point before sundown.

The climb was tiring, but manageable. Compared to everything he had endured it was actually rather easy, he mused bitterly. He reached his destination just as the sun started to move towards the water. He sat at the edge, dangling his legs over the side.

“This is nice,” he breathed aloud to no one, to himself.

He watched the sun descend, trying to stop himself from succumbing to the exhaustion clawing up through his bones. He was tired. He couldn’t think of a time he had been more so. He just wanted to rest, but he couldn’t bring himself to. There was too much weighing on his conscience. He could have prevented so much of this mess. He thought back to the night everything had gone wrong. He’d gone home early that night. He’d felt unwell. If he had stayed, would Kyungsoo have been spared? And everything that had in turn happened to those close to him, too, would that have been prevented? Kyungsoo’s friends who had all once been people who had cared for Luhan, who he had lost... He didn’t blame any of them, he knew it was his fault. Chanyeol and Jongin... Kyungsoo and Baekhyun hated him. He’d hate himself too. He _did_ hate himself. Even now he couldn’t think about Kyungsoo without getting angry and that wasn’t right. He knew that it wasn’t right, but he couldn’t stop it. A lot of it was anger at himself – because he was supposed to be the barrier between Sehun and everyone else – but the reality of his underlying thoughts shamed him. It was selfish, but he hated that people wouldn’t understand. He loved Sehun. Even now, when he could admit to himself that Sehun wasn’t a good person, he loved him. People wouldn’t believe that – he’d be ‘delusional’ and ‘hysterical’ and no one would understand how honest he was being.

Then again, he hadn’t really given people much reason to trust him. What was his life made of, if not lies? His very skin attested to that. Without intending to, he found himself thinking back to when Sehun had first laid eyes on his scars. It was so early into their relationship, and he’d come out of the shower to find his boyfriend sitting on his bed – Luhan’s parents must have let him in – and fear had engulfed him at being discovered. At first Sehun hadn’t noticed, smiling in greeting and teasing him about wrapping his hair in a towel ‘like girls do’, but eventually Luhan’s panicked behaviour gave him away. Sehun sat there for so long, just staring. He looked like the breath had been knocked from his lungs. Eventually, he startled into movement when he noticed Luhan crying, and he’d reached for his arm. Luhan remembers jerking back, remembers trying to run to hide in the bathroom again. He remembers Sehun wrapping his arms around him from behind and pinning him to his chest, talking him down from a panic attack and coaxing him to sit with him on the bed. He’d pulled out a black marker and drawn butterflies up the entirety of both of his arms.

“Don’t hurt them.”

Luhan had heard it – don’t hurt yourself – and he’d assured Sehun they were old scars. At the time, they had been. He smiled sadly at the memory, already knowing that with this came another.

He did it for attention. He hadn’t cut himself in years and he knew he was stupid for lapsing into it again, but he felt so close to losing everything he was clinging to and he knew, he _knew_ Sehun cared. He had told him not to hurt himself, and if that was the only way the boy would look at him, so be it. It had felt like coming home, and he’d been so terrified by that he hurled the blade into the sink before he’d cut more than an inch. He’d never regretted anything so quickly, and he hid it. It had still been deep, despite being brief, and he had to bandage it. He wore long sleeves until it healed, and Sehun didn’t bat an eye. Luhan had breathed a sigh of relief, but soon the doubt was curling at the corners again. They spent so much time together, how could he not have noticed? So he did it again. More, this time. He still hid it, but under bracelets – you could see them if you looked for them. He thought he had noticed Sehun’s eyes flicker to his wrists once, but he hadn’t said anything so Luhan had dismissed it as wishful thinking. Once again, relief coiled in his stomach, because he hated himself for doing this again and he didn’t want people to know how weak he was, didn’t want Sehun to know. The relief lasted even less time than before, and he found himself stuck in a cycle. Sehun didn’t seem to notice until, months down the line, he’d pinned him to the bed by his wrists to find blood on his hands. He’d faltered, and Luhan had hoped. Then Sehun had lifted him from the bed and shoved him in the shower with a gruff ‘for fuck’s sake Luhan, these are white sheets’. After that, Luhan always cut himself in the shower, and he covered the scars as he did with every wound Sehun dealt him.

Yet these weren’t the memories Luhan wanted now. Now, he would let himself be delusional, as so many people thought him to be. He thought about the day he had asked Sehun out, and Sehun had blinked at him, looked around, and then let out an incredulous ‘me?’. He thought about their first date, when Sehun had spent nearly an hour brushing his hand against Luhan’s in the hopes Luhan would make the first move. When Luhan had entwined their fingers Sehun had grinned so widely that Luhan had teased him about it for the rest of the date. Sehun had whined and blushed blinding red, but he’d never lost the grin. He thought about when Sehun had introduced him to his friends, most of whom he’d known already, and had paraded Luhan around as ‘the best boyfriend anyone could get you should all be jealous’ until his friends had gotten sick of him and tripped him over to shut him up. Luhan had laughed with them when they asked him how he put up with him, and they all watched on in amusement as Sehun attempted to fly kick Zitao, only to fall over again. He thought about their first time, after a few false starts, in his room where both of them laughed breathless, trying to keep quiet so as to not wake his parents. Sehun had been gentle, and utterly clueless despite having acted as though he was all knowing. He thought about all the times Sehun had made him laugh, the times he had made him feel like the most important person in the world. Was it delusional to love him for it, if it had once been true? He wasn’t sure. He knew all these would ever be were memories though.

Luhan thought about all the times Sehun had made him cry. He thought about all the times he’d hurt him, all the times he’d made him feel like the worst person to have existed, and all the times Luhan had become exactly that as a result. He found himself crying in frustration as he once again tried and failed to pinpoint when Sehun had stopped being the person that had made him love him. He hadn’t changed in a day, Luhan knew that – he still saw glimpses of the boy who wanted to save everyone, even now – but he could rake through his memories for hours and never find a turning point. He realised that, if there were still flashes of the old him now, he had seen parts of this side of Sehun from the beginning as well. He thought about what could have been their first time, had Sehun’s parents not come home unexpectedly. He thought about the time Sehun had watched Zitao shove his hand down Luhan’s trousers just for a reaction. He thought about all the times he had to cancel plans with his friends because he’d been in too much pain to walk, to the extent where no one thought to invite him anymore. He thought of Sehun telling him he didn’t need friends like that, that he only needed him.

And Luhan knew it was wrong. It was wrong to still love Sehun, and it was wrong to feel anger towards Kyungsoo. But that night, that godforsaken night was as close to a turning point as he could place. If Luhan had stayed, and if Kyungsoo hadn’t been there, then this would be different. Baekhyun would still be his friend, and Chanyeol would have remained a gentle giant in everyone’s eyes. Zitao would have focused his aggression into his martial arts training. Luhan would have learned to curb Sehun’s anger and they would have worked through it together. Maybe he’d have learned from Kyungsoo. He and Kyungsoo would still be friends. Kyungsoo would still be singing. Kyungsoo and Jongin would probably be dating. Jongin wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide.

Luhan wasn’t sure why but that was what had pushed him past his tipping point. He hadn’t really known Chanyeol, but Jongin had once been his friend and innocent in all of this. Luhan had watched him trying to regain Kyungsoo’s trust and asked himself why couldn’t he have that? Why couldn’t Sehun have loved him the way Jongin had clearly loved Kyungsoo? He mourned for Jongin because he too had sat in silence, never voicing his hurt with a smile painted permanently on his lips. He mourned Jongin because he’d been brave enough to do something Luhan had contemplated for years.

 

Luhan looked out at the horizon.

 

Luhan mourned Jongin because he shouldn’t be the one to die. Luhan realised now he had never had Sehun – Sehun had never been his, rather he had owned Luhan. Luhan had accepted this. He understood he wasn’t going to get his happy ending, but why couldn’t Jongin? Kyungsoo had forgiven him, he loved him too. Couldn’t Jongin see that? All he had to do was live.

 

He trailed his eyes across the darkening sky.

 

Maybe it was karma. Maybe it was destiny. Maybe God was a cunt. Luhan didn’t know. But he felt something, something that he clutched at because he at least deserved to hope. There was nothing left for him anymore, but Jongin still had everything waiting for him. Luhan knew, he _knew_ there only had to be one death. He had to know it because any doubt would ruin it. There had been so much tragedy already, something good had to come out of this. Luhan knew he wasn’t part of that good. But maybe, maybe he could save Jongin.

 

He watched as the sun set.

 

It was crazy. But he was already delusional, right? And it had to work. It _had_ to. Otherwise nothing was fair.

 

Luhan stood, and looked down towards the water. Jongin could have his happy ending. He would give Jongin his happy ending.

 

After all, the ocean had always accepted him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warning - discussion of rape, domestic abuse, implied suicide
> 
> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


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